Bowl season kicks off with this match up of college football titans in a building that is best known for it's brief run in 2005 as the world's largest toilet. To be honest I didn't actually know Nevada had a football team before making this pick. I was under the impression that nobody has ever spent more than 5 consecutive days in the state of Nevada. The Ragin' Cajuns, an unstoppable Sunbelt Conference powerhouse, have won the last 3 consecutive New Orleans Bowls and absolutely nothing will stop them from a 4th title.
My Pick: Louisiana Lafayette*
*I definitely probably didn't make this pick after the game was already over.
Gildan New Mexico Bowl - Utah State vs. Texas-El Paso
According to Wikipedia, Gildan is a manufacturer of undecorated blank active wear which why you've heard of Nike, but not Gildan. Utah State is both a land-grant and space-grant university. Unfortunately being a space-grant university does not mean that the federal government gave them a piece of outer space for their campus and as of the time of this writing no portion of their campus is located in outer space. Even more disappointingly, there is a such thing as sun-grant universities and none of them are located on the sun. UTEP is known primarily for two things: having more NCAA men's basketball national championships than big brother UT-Austin and having more overthrown frisbees get lost in Mexico than any other college campus.
My Pick: Utah State*
*I definitely probably didn't make this pick after the game was already over.
Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl - Utah vs. Colorado State
Automotive lubricant brand Royal Purple was granted the naming rights to this game after the NCAA decided to pretend it has morals and rejected the highest bid from Las Vegas' most popular brand of lube, KY. The highlight of Utah's season came in a game against Oregon when wide receiver Kaelin Clay decided to drop the ball at the one yard line which was returned 99 yards by the Ducks to turn an apparent 13-0 lead into a 7-7 tie. After the game Clay's girlfriend was heard defending him by saying, "To be fair it's not exactly a secret that he likes to finish prematurely." Colorado State University is known for having strictly enforced rules not allowing females students to live off campus or go out at night until well into the 1960's. When the rules were finally overturned, the university released a statement saying, "I'm too high to give a fuck."
My Pick: Colorado State
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl - Western Michigan vs. Air Force
What makes Idaho potatoes so much bigger and more delicious than other potatoes? Probably the radiation from all the nuclear research that occurs in Idaho. Western Michigan is the first of the directional Michigan schools to play it's bowl game this year. WMU is located in Kalamazoo which is best known as the place the Black Keys went to get away from you. The Air Force Academy has an 18 time national champion boxing team. The focus on creating a prolific boxing team arose because of the propensity for air combat to break down to hand to hand battles.
My Pick: Air Force
Raycom Media Camellia Bowl - South Alabama vs. Bowling Green
The Raycom Media Camellia Bowl, not to be confused with the more popular Culture Club Karma Chameleon Bowl, features South Alabama vs. Bowling Green. The University of South Alabama is best known for it's four decade long legal battle with the United States of America over the trademark for the moniker USA. The United States eventually won the battle after getting a $4 billion donation to their legal fund from defense contractor Halliburton. It is also known for it's excellent 57:43 female to male ratio. Bowling Green State University was originally founded as a normal university which means it was founded specifically to train people to be teachers. This is opposed to abnormal universities which train people for professions that don't involve spending 8 hours a day trying to reason with children and teenagers. That makes sense.
My Pick: Bowling Green
Miami Beach Bowl - BYU vs. Memphis
The Miami Beach Bowl, held in the state of Florida which is known for making great decisions, is held in a baseball only facility despite the existence of an NFL football facility in the same town. BYU is famous for dismissing a basketball player from the team for having consensual sex with his girlfriend. This incident was cited by Jameis Winston when he chose Florida State over BYU. The University of Memphis is home to the FedEx Institute of Technology which trains the next generation of cyborg delivery drivers.
My Pick: BYU
Boca Raton Bowl - Marshall vs. Northern Illinois
Boca Raton is the home of the vegan Boca Burger, so basically this game is going to leave the taste of cardboard in your mouth. Most of Marshall's football team died in a 1970 plane crash, but the program was able to march on do the inspirational leadership of replacement head coach Matthew McConaughey. Northern Illinois' all time best player and Heisman Trophy finalist, Jordan Lynch, was recently cut by the Chicago Bears. Yikes.
My Pick: Marshall
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl - Navy vs. San Diego State
This game has hands down the best bowl name. The only game that could compete was the Beef O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl which sadly no longer exists. The current United States Naval Academy was founded in 1845 to replace the Philadelphia Naval Asylum. The Asylum was named as such because you would have to be insane to join the Navy. A part of the SDSU press is known as Hyperbole Books. That's the kind of name that inspires confidence in the press and the academic quality.
My Pick: Navy
Popeye's Bahamas Bowl - Central Michigan vs. Western Kentucky
Let's be real. If you were a top recruit and you could go play for a team like Oregon and go to the playoffs or you could go to Central Michigan and play your bowl game in the Bahamas while presumably being fed Popeye's chicken, you'd go to Central Michigan. If I were their coach this would be a central part of my recruiting strategy. Ask a CMU student what they're most proud of and they'll tell you that their wrestling team is better than big brothers MSU and UofM. I too would be proud of grown men wearing spandex and rolling around on the floor together. Western Kentucky University is located in Bowling Green, KY. This Bowling Green is known for being worse than the previously mentioned Bowling Green and this KY is known for being worse than the previously mentioned KY.
My Pick: Western Kentucky
Hawai'i Bowl - Fresno State vs. Rice
The Hawai'i Bowl exists solely so that students can try to convince their parents that they have a legitimate need to go to Hawai'i. Fresno State has an on-campus vineyard that produces grapes for both wine and raisins. Who the fuck would waste perfectly good grapes on raisins when you could make wine? Rice is a small university in Texas which a couple years ago joined the long list of schools you've never heard of that beat Purdue at football.
My Pick: Fresno State
Zaxby's Heart of Dallas Bowl - Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech
Zaxby's is a southern chicken restaurant that was named when one of the founders had that set of letters in scrabble and had to pass his turn. According to Wikipedia Zaxby's is a strong supporter of the Make-A-Wish foundation in honor of the children that wish their parents would cook them a real meal instead of taking them to Zaxby's. The University of Illinois is known for banning students and faculty from expressing political opinions in any form including wearing buttons on campus and having bumper stickers on cars parked on campus. Of course this isn't all that surprising as the ban occurred in the long ago year of
My Pick: Louisiana Tech
Quick Lane Bowl - Rutgers vs. North Carolina
Quick Lane is the name of service centers at Ford Dealerships. Ford decided to place the Quick Lane name on a bowl game as part of an effort to distance it's service centers from the historically low quality Ford brand name. And what better city to host a low quality bowl put on by a low quality sponsor than Detroit? This new bowl game also represents the Big Ten's efforts to freshen up it's bowl lineup by replacing the old Little Caesar's Bowl with a new bowl in the same stadium on the same day. In the B1G's defense they did include the freshest member of the conference, Rutgers, who is also the lowest quality bowl eligible member. I literally can't think of a more perfect marriage of team and bowl game. Rutgers was founded as Queen's College in 1766 making it older than the country itself so at least it has that going for it. North Carolina has been known in recent years as a highly overrated basketball team which allows it's mediocre football team to fly under the radar.
My Pick: North Carolina
BITCOIN St. Petersburg Bowl - NC State vs. University of Central Florida
St. Petersburg was once home to the high end Beef O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl, but this year has been knocked down a couple rungs on the later with it's new sponsor the flash-in-the-pan digital currency BITCOIN which was recognized as a revolutionary new form of currency for about a week and a half. The highlight of NC State's season was being one of about 23 teams that almost beat defending national champion Florida State only to blow it at the end. UCF is the largest undergraduate university in the entire nation with 52,532 undergrads and the second largest university in the nation when grad students are accounted for. Unfortunately for the university none of those 52,532 undergrads are particularly great athletes.
My Pick: NC State
Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman - Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Northrop Grumman is one of the nation's top defense contractors and brings in about $25 billion per year from government contracts despite several well known incidents of knowingly providing the US military with faulty equipment. It's sponsorship of this football game represents about 0.00001% of it's sponsorship budget with the rest going to politicians. UC, known as such because I don't want to spell out that city name again, is led by President Santa Ono, son of Yoko Ono and Santa Claus whom Yoko had a brief affair with after the assassination of John Lennon. After Claus refused to leave his wife, Ono was raised solely by his mother. Before pursuing a career in academia he tried a career in music but all of his band's broke up. Virginia Tech is known as a generally terrible team who no longer has any fans because their heads all turned into massive hot air balloons after a fluke win against Ohio State and then popped the following week causing all of the fans to fall back to the Earth and die.
My Pick: UC
Hyundai Sun Bowl - Arizona State vs. Duke
Hyundai, aka Italicized Honda, is known for it's series of rather unremarkable cars. Arizona State was a win over in state rival Arizona away from playing Oregon for the Pac-12 crown and a shot at a respectable bowl. Instead they will play the Sun Bowl in El Paso, TX where most of their underage players will likely wander across the border to get drunk where they will only be saved from cartel related deaths by getting thrown in Mexican prisons and becoming the wives of cartel members. Duke has almost know football history and one of the most hated basketball teams in the history of the sport. Last year's 52-48 loss to Texas A&M in the Chick-fil-A bowl represented the first time ever that most of the country rooted for a Duke team.
My Pick: Arizona State
Duck Commander Independence Bowl - Miami vs. South Carolina
This game, sponsored by Karl, King of Ducks, pits two once proud, now pitiful programs against one another. Miami has won several (probably cocaine fueled, pure speculation) national championships but none since 2001. Recent teams have been so bad that now when most people hear the name University of Miami they think about the one in Ohio. South Carolina's mascot is the Gamecocks which at best refers to a bird that is hunted for sport and at worst is wildly inappropriate. Who thought this was a good name for a team? At least Steve Spurrier's interviews are amusing.
My Pick: South Carolina
New Era Pinstripe Bowl - Boston College vs. Penn State
It's kind of ironic that a company called New Era has decided to sponsor a bowl put on by an organization that prides itself on history and tradition. The two teams fit the venue much better though. Boston College still bases its entire reputation on the history of a single hail mary from the 1980's. Penn State is still clinging to the history of their recently deceased (and disgraced) former coach who died at the age of 307 after coaching for just over 200 years. This is Penn State's first bowl since the world found out that former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky liked to diddle little boys in the locker room.
My Pick: Penn State
National University Holiday Bowl - Nebraska vs. USC
This is the only bowl game that is sponsored by a university that doesn't have a football team. Nebraska was ranked for most of the year but a late season slide led to the firing of coach Bo Pelini. The firing ended years of internal conflict for Nebraska fans who are nicer than Canadians and hated Bo Pelini's style of being generally unfriendly but liked that he won games. USC player Josh Shaw began the season by injuring himself jumping off a balcony to
My Pick: USC
AutoZone Liberty Bowl - Texas A&M vs. West Virginia
This game is a showdown between the former schools of NFL superstars Johnny Manziel and Geno Smith. A&M recently left the Big XII to get out from the shadow of big brother Texas, a wise move since Texas has been such force to be reckoned with in the years since. Texas Jr. started the season with a huge win over an overrated South Carolina team and immediately anointed Kenny Hill as the second coming of Jesus Johnny Manziel Christ and then benched him for poor play a few games later. West Virginia is a state that formed under questionable legal circumstances to support the Union in the War of Northern Aggression when the rest of Virginia seceded. Since then West Virginia has developed a reputation of being a land of hill billies who's sole political stake is supporting a dying coal industry with a university full of students willing to riot for just about any reason.
My Pick: West Virginia
Russell Athletic Bowl - Oklahoma vs. Clemson
Russell Athletic is a brand of athletic apparel that sponsors a bowl, much like Gildan, simply so that people know it exists. In fact typing Russell Ath into wikipedia will get an autofinish of Russell Athletic Bowl before Russell Athletic (brand). It was a good year for former Oklahoma football players in the NFL, led by strong seasons from Adrian Peterson and Sam Bradford. Founded in 1890, OU is a rare case of a state university that was founded before the state. Clemson is a sea-grant university which like the space-grant and sun-grant universities discussed earlier does not actually mean that it is located on the sea which is massively disappointing. Wikipedia has a picture of campus covered in snow which is the equivalent of the apocalypse in South Carolina. It is highly likely that many people took to underground bunkers that day and have yet to reemerge.
My Pick: Oklahoma
AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl - Arkansas vs. Texas
AdvoCare is a nutritional supplement company. I always thought it was an automotive care company. This blog is extraordinarily educational. Arkansas had an excellent year if you only counted 3 quarters of every game, but several close losses dropped them into a matchup against lowly Texas. Arkansas is coached by Bret Bielema who is the second coach the team has tried out since Bobby Petrino proved how much money he had by going on a motorcycle ride with his young, attractive mistress. Bielema was formerly at Wisconsin which he left because honestly who would want to live through a Wisconsin winter? The Texas bowl was given the gift of a lowly University of Texas team who's fans will sell out a terrible game because they think that highly of their team. Texas is known for turning out high quality professional prospects such as Vince Young and Colt McCoy.
My Pick: Arkansas
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl - Notre Dame vs. LSU
There is literally nothing more American than a mortgage. The only thing that's almost as American is hating Notre Dame. The catholic school from South Bend somehow managed to make it through the season without killing off any fake girlfriends, but that's about the only bright spot in their season (unless you count beating Purdue, which nobody does). Losing five of their last six games dropped Notre Dame to the Music City Bowl where they will take on a far superior LSU team that dropped this far because of a brutal SEC schedule. LSU has maintained a relatively clean reputation, but isn't without controversy. A 2003 plan that would have moved a parking lot to a former farm and the farm to a former parking lot was criticized because of the soil quality at the new farm site. This incident did not get the attention that it deserved because it did not occur in an election year.
My Pick: LSU
Belk Bowl - Georgia vs. Louisville
Bilk is the abbreviated form of Billy Goat Milk with Belk being a common mispronounciation. Georgia's top player missed most of the year after it was discovered that he was paid for his autograph. What on Earth would we do if we didn't have the NCAA to be our moral compass? Louisville is a strong team whose only unjustifiable loss was an early season loss to Virginia. Louisville is known as the first university to be owned by a city and the place where the pap smear was developed.
My Pick: Georgia
Foster Farms Bowl - Maryland vs. Stanford
This bowl is sponsored by the Foster Farms poultry company, not to be confused with the Foster Farms Dairy which was founded by the same people but is an entirely different company because really how hard would it have been to come up with a different name. Maryland is known for its ridiculously stupid uniforms that are so bad they don't deserve to have anything else said about them in this blog post. Stanford continues to prove that it isn't as good without Andrew Luck's terrible beard leading them. Little known fact: the full name of Stanford is Leland Stanford Junior University. It's not well advertised because nobody would want to go there if they knew that.
My Pick: Stanford
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl - Ole Miss vs. TCU
Not only is Chick-fil-A not in the peach market, but they aren't open on Sundays which makes them a terrible company because I only crave them on Sundays. Oh, and the whole anti-gay thing isn't cool either. Ole Miss is known for the desegregation riots of the 1960's and the fact that they get dressed up for football games like it's a job interview. Despite this negative legacy they rallied the country behind them with some major early season wins, unfortunately their season was pronounced dead when receiver Laquon Treadwell simultaneously broke his leg and fumbled what would be the game winning touchdown on the one yard line against Auburn. TCU's sole loss, a 3 point shootout loss to Baylor should have been enough to get them into the first ever college football playoff but they were penalized by the committee for the being the alma mater of Andy Dalton.
My Pick: TCU
VIZIO Fiesta Bowl - Boise State vs. Arizona
VIZIO switched its sponsorship from the Rose Bowl Game to the Fiesta Bowl which quite honestly made more sense with Tostitos as its sponsor. Boise State began its run toward elite status with a one point overtime victory in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl that included a hook and lateral to tie the game in the final seconds of regulation. Boise is handicapped by my hatred for them because of their stupid blue field. Arizona continues its Rich Rodriquez LOL Michigan I Told You So tour with a season that only would have been made better by a second win over Oregon. Arizona is handicapped by being the alma mater of my ex-girlfriend.
My Pick: Arizona
Capital One Orange Bowl - Mississippi State vs. Georgia Tech
Capital One is moving up in the world by sponsoring what used to be the FedEx Orange Bowl. Mississippi State is the more likable brother to Ole Miss because they don't wear dress clothes to football games and they embrace cow bell. Together with Ole Miss they made the state that nobody on Earth ever wants to travel to the center of the football universe for a couple weeks. A respectable loss to Alabama wasn't enough to knock them out of the playoff picture, but jealous brother Ole Miss would have none of that so now they face Georgia Tech on New Years Eve. Georgia Tech has satellite campuses in France, Ireland, China, and Singapore, but none in the sovereign state of Georgia.
My Pick: Georgia Tech
Outback Bowl - Auburn vs. Wisconsin
In the heart of the brutal Wisconsin winter it was announced that they would be losing both their head coach and Heisman finalist running back. How cruel. At least they can eat their feelings in the form of a deep fried bloomin' onion. Auburn was founded in 1856 as the East Alabama Male College and was famous for its sausage. In 1892 they formed a football team and started admitting women to attract football players to campus.
My Pick: Auburn
Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic - Michigan State vs. Baylor
The Cotton Bowl game is no longer played in the Cotton Bowl which now hosts the Heart of Dallas Bowl. The game is instead played in a giant warehouse in Arlington that was originally built to hold Jerry Jones' ego. Michigan State University is best known as the alma mater of Toby Towson, champion gymnast and former Sesame Street muppet performer. Baylor is in Waco, TX where in 1993 an ATF raid of a religious cult compound led to the deaths of 4 ATF agents and 6 cult members. The raid was followed by a 51 day siege of the compound followed by the FBI burning the compound to the ground and killing 76 people.
My Pick: Baylor
Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl - Minnesota vs. Missouri
How is this a New Years Day bowl? Does anybody want to see this? Missouri lost to Indiana at home.
My Pick: Minnesota
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual - Oregon vs. Florida State
This is the first of two semifinal playoff games. The Oregon Nikes come in at number 2 with their sole loss to Arizona having been avenged in the Pac-12 championship game and are poised to end Florida State's massive win streak. Florida State is the defending national champion and is undefeated over two full seasons thanks to the talent of Jameis Winston who chose FSU on the strength of their tolerance for crime policies. Winston will play in one final game before following FSU predecessor EJ Manuel to NFL glory. Don't be surprised if you see him on the sideline snacking on crab legs between drives.
My Pick: Oregon
Allstate Sugar Bowl - Alabama vs. Ohio State
We're in good hands as we get set for the second bowl game to be played in the Katrina Toilet Bowl. Ohio State is widely regarded as the worst school to ever exist and is single handedly driving many fans to root for Alabama for the first time in their lives and hating themselves for it. Alabama will look to summon the magic that they haven't had since their most famous football alumnus, Forrest Gump, played several decades ago.
My Pick: Alabama
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl - Houston vs. Pittsburgh
TaxSlayer Bowl - Iowa vs. Tennessee
Valero Alamo Bowl - Kansas St. vs. UCLA
TicketCity Cactus Bowl - Washington vs. Oklahoma St.
Birmingham Bowl - East Carolina vs. Florida
GoDaddy Bowl - Toledo vs. Arkansas St.
These post-New Years stinkers exist long after my attention span for bowl games (and for writing this post) has run out. East Carolina went on a glorious non-conference run before stinking it up in its mediocre conference. It seems like Arkansas St always plays in the GoDaddy bowl, I think they could go 0-12 and still get in. The only decent game of the bunch is K-St vs UCLA which pits two formerly ranked teams against each other in the best stadium in the entire country, the Alamodome.
My Picks: Pittsburgh, Tennessee, UCLA, Washington, Florida, Arkansas St.
College Football Playoff National Championship Presented by AT&T - TBD vs. TBA
Both of these teams will be really strong, but To Be Determined just sounds so much less confident than To Be Announced.
My Pick: TBA
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