The Completely True History of America: Declaration of Independence

It was a brisk Vermont morning in April 1775. A then middle-aged Bernie Sanders had gotten word that some farmers in neighboring Massachusetts were stockpiling guns which really rustled his jimmies. Sanders decided to call up King George in London and tattle so that he could have his commie, European, freedom hating soldiers confiscate the guns. Unfortunately for Sanders, his plan was found out and a young man named Paul Revere, who would later gain international fame for his 1966 hit song "Kicks", rode his horse across the country side in the middle of the night to warn the farmers that the British were coming to trample on what would eventually become their Second Amendment rights. The heavily favored British troops spotted the scrappy upstarts a 2,500 man advantage to make it a fair fight. This would prove to be a fatal mistake as the Massachusetts militia outscored the British in the kill count 73-49. 58 men remain missing to this day and are rumored to be living with Elvis and JFK in Western Brazil. 

Inspired by their strategic victory in the Massachusetts countryside, the militia decided to merge with 12 other militias to form a superteam known as the Continental Army. At their introductory celebration they promised to win not 1, not 2, not 3, but 7 wars. Drunk on optimism, the team decided to test their skills in a tuneup match against Canada. They split into two units with the first unit led by Richard Montgomery defeating Montreal so bad that they decided to never field another pro sports team again. The second unit, led by Brett Favre Benedict Arnold, took a wrong turn in Maine and had to cancel their first game before recombining with Montgomery's squad in Quebec City. They decided to launch their attack during a snowstorm in December because apparently nobody ever told them that it's really stupid to attack Canada during the winter. With significantly lower maple syrup reserves than their opponents, the American side quickly ran out of energy and was forced to retreat. They maintained a presence surrounding the city, including a supply of approximately 750 men infected with smallpox. Unfortunately this was several decades before Andrew Jackson would realize that smallpox could be weaponized and they failed to utilize this advantage. 

As their forces in Canada slowly depleted, the front office of the Continental Army, known as the Continental Congress, knew they had to make a move. During the summer of 1776, a talking bald eagle came to Thomas Jefferson in a dream and told him of a super weapon that could defeat the British and Canadian forces. This weapon would be called Freedom. Jefferson, along with a few close confidants, worked on developing this weapon with approval from the Continental Congress. On July 2, 1776 the weapon was unveiled to the full congress at a closed door session and they voted to approve its use against the British forces, but not the Canadian forces as the Canadians were viewed as too nice and it was believed that one day they could join us they too could utilize the freedom. After a couple days of tweaking the announcement letter, on July 4, 1776 it was declared to the entire world that the Americans had achieved freedom. This freedom would be used over the course of the next seven years to systematically defeat the British. The superteam would enjoy an unprecedented run of success until finally suffering its first decisive loss in a road loss at Vietnam almost 200 years later.