1. Houston Texans - Jadeveon Clowney, DE
He's come under fire recently for apparently not playing hard on every play. This criticism was manufactured by ESPN because what else are they going to talk about in the offseason? NASCAR? Baseball?
2. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins) - Greg Robinson, OT
A few years ago the Rams bought a Ferrari to install at QB and left him out in a field in Kansas during tornado season without a garage. This is the year they finally buy him a garage.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars - Sammy Watkins, WR
The Jaguars don't believe they're going to have Justin Blackmon at all this year so they desperately need a playmaker for franchise quarterback Ricky Stanzi. Sammy Watkins is destined for a spectacular career in Jacksonville reminiscent of Randy Moss' time in Oakland.
4. Cleveland Browns - Khalil Mack, OLB
After the signing of the invincible Vince Young and immortal Tyler Thigpen to back up future Hall of Famer Hoyer the Destroyer, the Browns can pass on QB and instead go for the consensus second best player in the draft.
5. Oakland Raiders - Johnny Manziel, QB
The first QB finally comes off the board at number 5. Of course he'll lose out the starting QB battle to Matt Schaub, the Raiders will go 0-16, and move their home games to empty lot where Candlestick Park used to stand. They'll market the move as trying to seize the bay area market after the 49ers move to Santa Clara but really it's just because an empty lot in San Francisco is better than the Oakland Coliseum.
6. Atlanta Falcons - Jake Matthews, OT
Getting a wall to protect QB, Matty Ice. Matty Ice sounds like a terrible cross between Natty Light and Smirnoff Ice, both of which only sound appealing to liberal arts freshmen.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Mike Evans, WR
They don't have a QB nor do they have any intention of drafting one. Might as well grab an elite WR to not catch the ball.
8. Minnesota Vikings - Teddy Bridgewater, QB
I hate making this pick because he's the only first round worthy QB in the draft and I hate the Vikings, but if God let the Wild make it to the second round, maybe he's smiling on Minnesota for once.
9. Buffalo Bills - HaHa Clinton-Dix, S
This was also Monica Lewinsky's reaction the first time Bill and Hillary dropped their pants for her.
10. Detroit Lions - Justin Gilbert, CB
Another promising career will be ruined in Detroit.
11. Tennessee Titans - Kyle Fuller, CB
I don't really know anything about the Tennessee Titans or their needs. They're just that mediocre.
12. New York Giants - Blake Bortles, QB
New York finally realizes they have the wrong Manning.
13. St. Louis Rams - Odell Beckham Jr, WR
The Rams use their luxury pick on a WR to free up Tavon Austin. It doesn't work. Lol, Rams.
14. Chicago Bears - Calvin Pryor, S
The Bears continue to rebuild their 1000 year old defense with the second best safety in the draft.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers - Darqueze Dennard, CB
Dennard's nickname is the No Fly Zone, I guess that makes him the Iraq of CBs.
16. Dallas Cowboys - Anthony Barr, OLB
Barr is a former RB, WR, and TE in addition to being an OLB. He might have to play both sides of the ball for this miserable team.
17. Baltimore Ravens - Jimmie Ward, S
He played high school ball in Mobile, Alabama and college in Northern Illinois. By comparison Baltimore is mild weather.
18. New York Jets - Aaron Donald, DT
This pick will fly under the radar when the announce earlier in the day that they're bringing back Tebow as a form of Michael Vick morality tax.
19. Miami Dolphins - Eric Ebron, TE
Last year's TE was Dustin Keller from Purdue and like all Purdue players he had a season ending ACL tear. Better off drafting somebody not from Purdue.
20. Arizona Cardinals - Derek Carr, QB
Their other option is Bengals and Raiders reject Carson Palmer.
21. Green Bay Packers - CJ Mosley
I definitely didn't make any unrealistic picks just to make Mosley fall to the Pack.
22. Philadelphia Eagles - Cody Latimer, WR
The Eagles are known for making bad decisions when it comes to their WRs, why not use a first round pick on a Hoosier?
23. Kansas City Chiefs - Brandon Cooks, WR
Another weapon for the "Alex Smith Isn't a Bust Project"
24. Cincinnati Bengals - Tony the Tiger, Wildcat Specialist
Cincinnati is and always will be a circus, this year they add their latest circus animal.
25. San Diego Chargers - Louis Nix III, DT
San Diego takes another defensive prospect from Notre Dame, but this one has a real girlfriend.
26. Cleveland Browns (from Indianapolis Colts) - Bradley Roby, CB
Sticking to their guns and going all in on Hoyer the Destroyer at QB, they spend this pick on a player from the best football team in Ohio, the OSU Buckeyes.
27. New Orleans Saints - Dee Ford, DE
Dee isn't just a woman's name anymore.
28. Carolina Panthers - Taylor Lewan, OT
Being an offensive lineman on Carolina is a cushy gig unless the other team happens to have kryptonite.
29. New England Patriots - Ra'Shede Hageman, DT
The last time New England used a first round pick on a player from Minnesota it was RB Laurence Maroney in 2006. 8 years later some of us still sort of vaguely remember that name.
30. San Francisco 49ers - Marqise Lee, WR
This pick will help to continue the 49ers run as the second best team in the NFC West.
31. Denver Broncos - Ryan Shazier, OLB
The Broncos will continue to make deep runs which does nothing but ensure they won't be able to draft a high end quarterback to replace Peyton Manning.
32. Seattle Seahawks - Richard Sherman's Stunt Double
They'll send him to all 49ers games to taunt their wide receivers.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Friday, May 2, 2014
Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 2 Preview
The first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs provided plenty of intrigue and set the tone for what looks to be an exciting tournament. In this post I tell you everything you need to know about all four series along with picks.
Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Habenero Peppers
Our first matchup pairs the two teams that had the easiest time dispatching of their first round opponents. The Peppers remain as the Great Canadi(a)n Hope after knocking out the young and outmatched Tampa Bay Lightning in straight sets. The Bruins took a single loss in their series with the Detroit Flying Tires who get their name and logo from all the people fleeing Detroit. Bruin on the other hand is an Olde English word for brown bear coming from the Dutch word for brown and referring to a bear from a series of European parables that involved a brown bear getting tricked by a fox.
So basically what we have here is a matchup between spicy French-Canadi(a)n peppers and a stuffy, old, monocle and top hat wearing European brown bear. Game one happened last night and I picked New Europe over the Peppers 5-2 which was wrong. Seeing as small sample sizes are more accurate at predicting larger series I'm also going to switch my prediction for the entire series and take the Peppers.
Prediction: French Canadi(a)n Peppers 4 - New Europe Brown Bears 3
Pittsburgh Penguins vs. New York Rangers
Pittsburgh squeaked by the team from what is technically the most successful sports town in Ohio four games to two in the first round, but really that's pretty embarrassing considering those two losses were Ohio's first ever playoff victories. The New York Rangers took all seven games to escape the second best team from Pennsylvania in round one and now face the best team from Pennsylvania in round two. The Rangers are led by an especially motivated Martin St. Louis who missed out on the Tampa Bay scoring title by a single point after Ondrej Palat put up three points while getting swept by the Peppers for a total of 62 points in 85 games to St Louis' 61 points in 62 games. Missing out on the title drove St Louis to a team high 6 points in the first round and expect him to continue his rampage against the Pens. The outcome of this series greatly depends on whether or not Sidney Crosby's skull finally breaks for good. I like to go for the high risk, high reward gamble so I'm going to say his skull stays intact and the Pens move on.
Prediction: Pittsburgh 4 - New York 2
Minnesota Wild vs. Illinois Native Americans
How did Minnesota win it's first series? Nobody really knows. Back in 1993 the North Stars fled the state for Big D and the Mighty Ducks fled the state to join the Lakers in the greater Los Angeles area where they expect to be joined by the Vikings in 2017 after poor construction leads to their new stadium being even worse at maintaining it's structural integrity during a light snow than the old stadium. Since then Minnesota has not been known as a sporting state despite their WNBA prowess. The Wild were meant to be a one night stand rebound after getting dumped twice in one year, but they just wouldn't leave and now Minnesota is being rewarded for tolerating their existence with what is undoubtedly their last ever appearance in the second round of the playoffs. The Wild face the Native Americans from the great state of Illinois where the people are about as good at pronouncing the letter 'S' as people from Boston are at pronouncing the letter 'R'. The Natives went to six (6!) overtime periods in six games against the St. Louis Blues who are appropriately named because they are once again singing the blues after their season ended prematurely. After a bruising series, I didn't like Illinois' chances against a tough Colorado team, but after being gifted a series against the team that Minnesota picked up while wearing it's beer goggles, Illinois should have no trouble in round two. God hates Minnesota so much that he gave them hope just make their crushing defeat that much more painful.
Prediction: Native Americans 4 - Minnesota 0
Anaheim Ducks vs. Los Angeles Kings
In what is easily the best series in the second round, these cross town rivals fight for dominance in the greater Los Angeles market. The Ducks, who have found great success in the pros after fleeing Minnesota as a peewee team, dispatched their former mentors from the frigid northland in six games after an amazing come from behind victory prevented a game seven. The Kings played and lost three exhibition games (what soccer fans would refer to as friendlies) against the Northern California Sharks before sweeping their actual series 4-0. The Kings weren't considered by most people to be an actual hockey team until their inspirational run to the Stanley Cup title a mere two years ago. The Kings have 15 Canadi(a)n players to the Ducks 12, giving them the distinct advantage in this matchup.
Prediction: Kings 4 - Ducks 3
Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Habenero Peppers
Our first matchup pairs the two teams that had the easiest time dispatching of their first round opponents. The Peppers remain as the Great Canadi(a)n Hope after knocking out the young and outmatched Tampa Bay Lightning in straight sets. The Bruins took a single loss in their series with the Detroit Flying Tires who get their name and logo from all the people fleeing Detroit. Bruin on the other hand is an Olde English word for brown bear coming from the Dutch word for brown and referring to a bear from a series of European parables that involved a brown bear getting tricked by a fox.
So basically what we have here is a matchup between spicy French-Canadi(a)n peppers and a stuffy, old, monocle and top hat wearing European brown bear. Game one happened last night and I picked New Europe over the Peppers 5-2 which was wrong. Seeing as small sample sizes are more accurate at predicting larger series I'm also going to switch my prediction for the entire series and take the Peppers.
Prediction: French Canadi(a)n Peppers 4 - New Europe Brown Bears 3
Pittsburgh Penguins vs. New York Rangers
Pittsburgh squeaked by the team from what is technically the most successful sports town in Ohio four games to two in the first round, but really that's pretty embarrassing considering those two losses were Ohio's first ever playoff victories. The New York Rangers took all seven games to escape the second best team from Pennsylvania in round one and now face the best team from Pennsylvania in round two. The Rangers are led by an especially motivated Martin St. Louis who missed out on the Tampa Bay scoring title by a single point after Ondrej Palat put up three points while getting swept by the Peppers for a total of 62 points in 85 games to St Louis' 61 points in 62 games. Missing out on the title drove St Louis to a team high 6 points in the first round and expect him to continue his rampage against the Pens. The outcome of this series greatly depends on whether or not Sidney Crosby's skull finally breaks for good. I like to go for the high risk, high reward gamble so I'm going to say his skull stays intact and the Pens move on.
Prediction: Pittsburgh 4 - New York 2
Minnesota Wild vs. Illinois Native Americans
How did Minnesota win it's first series? Nobody really knows. Back in 1993 the North Stars fled the state for Big D and the Mighty Ducks fled the state to join the Lakers in the greater Los Angeles area where they expect to be joined by the Vikings in 2017 after poor construction leads to their new stadium being even worse at maintaining it's structural integrity during a light snow than the old stadium. Since then Minnesota has not been known as a sporting state despite their WNBA prowess. The Wild were meant to be a one night stand rebound after getting dumped twice in one year, but they just wouldn't leave and now Minnesota is being rewarded for tolerating their existence with what is undoubtedly their last ever appearance in the second round of the playoffs. The Wild face the Native Americans from the great state of Illinois where the people are about as good at pronouncing the letter 'S' as people from Boston are at pronouncing the letter 'R'. The Natives went to six (6!) overtime periods in six games against the St. Louis Blues who are appropriately named because they are once again singing the blues after their season ended prematurely. After a bruising series, I didn't like Illinois' chances against a tough Colorado team, but after being gifted a series against the team that Minnesota picked up while wearing it's beer goggles, Illinois should have no trouble in round two. God hates Minnesota so much that he gave them hope just make their crushing defeat that much more painful.
Prediction: Native Americans 4 - Minnesota 0
Anaheim Ducks vs. Los Angeles Kings
In what is easily the best series in the second round, these cross town rivals fight for dominance in the greater Los Angeles market. The Ducks, who have found great success in the pros after fleeing Minnesota as a peewee team, dispatched their former mentors from the frigid northland in six games after an amazing come from behind victory prevented a game seven. The Kings played and lost three exhibition games (what soccer fans would refer to as friendlies) against the Northern California Sharks before sweeping their actual series 4-0. The Kings weren't considered by most people to be an actual hockey team until their inspirational run to the Stanley Cup title a mere two years ago. The Kings have 15 Canadi(a)n players to the Ducks 12, giving them the distinct advantage in this matchup.
Prediction: Kings 4 - Ducks 3
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