2014 NFL Mock Draft

1. Houston Texans - Jadeveon Clowney, DE

 He's come under fire recently for apparently not playing hard on every play. This criticism was manufactured by ESPN because what else are they going to talk about in the offseason? NASCAR? Baseball?

2. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins) - Greg Robinson, OT

A few years ago the Rams bought a Ferrari to install at QB and left him out in a field in Kansas during tornado season without a garage. This is the year they finally buy him a garage.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars - Sammy Watkins, WR

The Jaguars don't believe they're going to have Justin Blackmon at all this year so they desperately need a playmaker for franchise quarterback Ricky Stanzi. Sammy Watkins is destined for a spectacular career in Jacksonville reminiscent of Randy Moss' time in Oakland.

4. Cleveland Browns - Khalil Mack, OLB

After the signing of the invincible Vince Young and immortal Tyler Thigpen to back up future Hall of Famer Hoyer the Destroyer, the Browns can pass on QB and instead go for the consensus second best player in the draft.

5. Oakland Raiders - Johnny Manziel, QB

The first QB finally comes off the board at number 5. Of course he'll lose out the starting QB battle to Matt Schaub, the Raiders will go 0-16, and move their home games to empty lot where Candlestick Park used to stand. They'll market the move as trying to seize the bay area market after the 49ers move to Santa Clara but really it's just because an empty lot in San Francisco is better than the Oakland Coliseum.

6. Atlanta Falcons - Jake Matthews, OT

Getting a wall to protect QB, Matty Ice. Matty Ice sounds like a terrible cross between Natty Light and Smirnoff Ice, both of which only sound appealing to liberal arts freshmen.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Mike Evans, WR

They don't have a QB nor do they have any intention of drafting one. Might as well grab an elite WR to not catch the ball.

8. Minnesota Vikings - Teddy Bridgewater, QB

I hate making this pick because he's the only first round worthy QB in the draft and I hate the Vikings, but if God let the Wild make it to the second round, maybe he's smiling on Minnesota for once.

9. Buffalo Bills - HaHa Clinton-Dix, S

This was also Monica Lewinsky's reaction the first time Bill and Hillary dropped their pants for her.

10. Detroit Lions - Justin Gilbert, CB

Another promising career will be ruined in Detroit.

11. Tennessee Titans - Kyle Fuller, CB

I don't really know anything about the Tennessee Titans or their needs. They're just that mediocre.

12. New York Giants - Blake Bortles, QB

New York finally realizes they have the wrong Manning.

13. St. Louis Rams - Odell Beckham Jr, WR

The Rams use their luxury pick on a WR to free up Tavon Austin. It doesn't work. Lol, Rams.

14. Chicago Bears - Calvin Pryor, S

The Bears continue to rebuild their 1000 year old defense with the second best safety in the draft.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers - Darqueze Dennard, CB

Dennard's nickname is the No Fly Zone, I guess that makes him the Iraq of CBs.

16. Dallas Cowboys - Anthony Barr, OLB

Barr is a former RB, WR, and TE in addition to being an OLB. He might have to play both sides of the ball for this miserable team.

17. Baltimore Ravens - Jimmie Ward, S

He played high school ball in Mobile, Alabama and college in Northern Illinois. By comparison Baltimore is mild weather.

18. New York Jets - Aaron Donald, DT

This pick will fly under the radar when the announce earlier in the day that they're bringing back Tebow as a form of Michael Vick morality tax.

19. Miami Dolphins - Eric Ebron, TE

Last year's TE was Dustin Keller from Purdue and like all Purdue players he had a season ending ACL tear. Better off drafting somebody not from Purdue.

20. Arizona Cardinals - Derek Carr, QB

Their other option is Bengals and Raiders reject Carson Palmer.

21. Green Bay Packers - CJ Mosley

I definitely didn't make any unrealistic picks just to make Mosley fall to the Pack.

22. Philadelphia Eagles - Cody Latimer, WR

The Eagles are known for making bad decisions when it comes to their WRs, why not use a first round pick on a Hoosier?

23. Kansas City Chiefs - Brandon Cooks, WR

Another weapon for the "Alex Smith Isn't a Bust Project"

24. Cincinnati Bengals - Tony the Tiger, Wildcat Specialist

Cincinnati is and always will be a circus, this year they add their latest circus animal.

25. San Diego Chargers - Louis Nix III, DT

San Diego takes another defensive prospect from Notre Dame, but this one has a real girlfriend.

26. Cleveland Browns (from Indianapolis Colts) - Bradley Roby, CB

Sticking to their guns and going all in on Hoyer the Destroyer at QB, they spend this pick on a player from the best football team in Ohio, the OSU Buckeyes.

27. New Orleans Saints - Dee Ford, DE

Dee isn't just a woman's name anymore.

28. Carolina Panthers - Taylor Lewan, OT

Being an offensive lineman on Carolina is a cushy gig unless the other team happens to have kryptonite.

29. New England Patriots - Ra'Shede Hageman, DT

The last time New England used a first round pick on a player from Minnesota it was RB Laurence Maroney in 2006. 8 years later some of us still sort of vaguely remember that name.

30. San Francisco 49ers - Marqise Lee, WR

This pick will help to continue the 49ers run as the second best team in the NFC West.

31. Denver Broncos - Ryan Shazier, OLB

The Broncos will continue to make deep runs which does nothing but ensure they won't be able to draft a high end quarterback to replace Peyton Manning.

32. Seattle Seahawks - Richard Sherman's Stunt Double

They'll send him to all 49ers games to taunt their wide receivers.