As an American, it is my duty to judge soccer for being a stupid sport (except during the World Cup) although I've never intentionally watched a non-world cup game. Today, I'm watching a game because nothing else is on tv and recording my thoughts.
We join the action at the 32:08 mark. The Fighting Che Guevaras are wearing blue and the Sun are wearing vertical red and white stripes. The score is Che 1, Sun 1. Good to know that my first non-world cup soccer game is such a high scoring shootout.
35: 58 - Corner kick, header, goalie tries to knock it into his own goal but the cross bar has different ideas. Cross bar is the most valuable player for the Sun right now.
38:16 - They really use the head ball liberally at this level. This just doesn't seem safe.
39:30 - I feel like the goalies could make more money as NFL punters.
41:06 - Ball goes flying into the stands and bounces around like a beach ball in the stands at an American sporting event. Fans can't seem to get a handle on it. Soccer fans everywhere, "I have no idea what to do with my hands."
43:18 - Ball out of play but the clock keeps running. Don't worry, they'll guesstimate how much time to add later. And spell check recognizes guesstimate as a real word.
44:14 - Player faking an injury. Announcers call him out for 'time wasting tactics' but still think the dude from the Che Guevaras should get a red card for touching the dudes face.
46:50 - Announcer speculates that the Liverpool players are watching this game in their hotel. That observation is probably not straight from his ass.
47:00 - Halftime!
My thoughts so far: The play really isn't that much different than hockey or even a slow-pace, Wisconsin style basketball game. I want to say hockey is better because it's so much more physical, but based on my observations of the Stanley Cup playoffs so far it really isn't. Hockey "fights" are really just bluffs. The players give up so easily the second the ref shows up that I'm 100% certain they don't actually want to fight. They just act like they want to fight to make people think they're tough but the whole time they're praying the ref steps between them before a punch is delivered.
45:00 - We're underway again and apparently replaying the last two minutes.
45:30 - Sun player goes down after missing the ball. Holds several different parts of his leg while his teammates try to convince the ref that he was touched by a Che player. Play continues. Player, "Lol, I'm healed."
48:00 - Throw-ins look like the granny-shot equivalent of an actual throw.
54:40 - Sun goalie and Che forward have an intimate moment together on the ground.
55:45 - Let me just grab your jersey and throw you to the ground. That's a fucking yellow card. I don't have to know a thing about soccer to know that was ridiculous. Announcers say he was "taking one for the team." It just looked stupid to me.
57:30 - Ball goes out of bounds on Che. Che player picks up ball and his trying to walk back on to the pitch with it in his hands. Sun player tries to take it so he can throw it in and Che player freaks out. This seems like it should be illegal.
59:45 - I think soccer would be improved with an over-and-back rule like basketball
63:00 - When they're all in the middle of the field it literally just looks like pinball. Do they have any control over what's happening in those situations? I'm legitimately asking
65:10 - Two substitutions including the Suns Macklemore lookalike leaving the game. Despite the fake injuries, it seems like these guys are really tough considering how much they run for so long. I think unlimited substitutions should be allowed.
68:48 - Goalie has a head injury so play is stopped. That means I finally get a chance to toss out this observation: There are so many instances of people begging for penalties when they fall over all on their own. Marcus Smart would excel at this. It's the only legitimate knock I have on the sport so far.
72:24 - Just happened to see a yellow card via the mirror while I was in the bathroom. Not sure what it was for.
74:48 - Getting ready for a corner kick and the penalty box looks a lot like the dance floor at the Cactus with all the grinding and twerking going on
80:00 - The keep mentioning somebody named Chelsea but I don't see any women on the pitch
81:19 - The Sun scores on a penalty kick. British announcers react with the least enthusiasm ever. Where the hell are the Mexican announcers? Also, what's this about teams loaning players to each other?
82:36 - A coach is dragged out by security. Not sure what pissed him off, but that was a bit ridiculous.
85:38 - Most surprising fact so far is that hand balls seem to be up for interpretation. Seems to me like that would be an obvious one.
88:27 - My understanding of this loaning rule (in an NFL analogy) is that if the Packers needed a Bears loss to make the playoffs but the Bears were playing a Christian Ponder led Vikings team, they could loan Aaron Rodgers to the Vikings. I'm probably way wrong about that, but the concept intrigues me.
90:30 - I really like the idea of relegation. I think more leagues should use it
92:22 - New interpretation of loaning. If the Packers have locked up a playoff spot we can loan our players to other teams that need wins so we can get more people experience?
95:18 - I thought we were playing 5 minutes of extra time, but now we're at 95:40, 41, 42, ... I don't understand this rule either.
95:58 - We're finally done. The Sun 2, Che Guevara 1.
Final thoughts: A surprisingly entertaining sport. I think it would have been more entertaining if I understood any of the rules. It seemed like every time somebody fell over it could be an obvious penalty or obviously not a penalty but they all looked the same to me. Like I mentioned earlier, I hated that there were so many complaints for non-penalties when people fell over entirely on their own. I know shit like that happens in every sport but it seemed to happen with ridiculous frequency here. I think I'll probably be watching more soccer in the future.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
Keeping Your Sexy Figure While Working Long, Irregular Hours
This weekend as the clock strikes midnight and Saturday turns to Sunday, Jesus is going to rise from the dead and my power plant is going to open reactor trip breakers marking the official start of our spring refueling outage. What this means for me is 5 weeks working 6 days a week on a base schedule from 3 pm - 1 am with many (if not most) of those shifts actually extending to 3 am. It's high stress work done on a tight schedule and a tighter budget with no room for error. It's really easy to turn to McDonalds for love in support in times like these, but a health nut like me can't tolerate that. I present to you a list of tips for making sure even in the toughest of times you keep turning heads.
1. Volunteer for Second Shift
No sane person has ever said, "I have a great idea, let's wake up at 4 am and go for a run." Second shift means you don't leave for work until 2 pm. When normal people wake up at 4, they hit the snooze button, when normal people wake up at noon, they get out of bed and do things. Do some light stretching, have a glass of water, then head on down to the waterfront. Take a few minutes to marvel at the glorious warships and then pretend they've turned their cannons on you and are firing. I don't like to run, but if the U.S. Navy is shooting at me, I run. And running is good for you, a 15-20 jog in the sweltering Virginia heat is the equivalent of running of a marathon in the north (Wikipedia, 2013).
2. Eat Breakfast
Breakfast at 1 pm means eating lunch food as your first meal of the day. I'm all for that. There are plenty of great options to get you energized for your 12 hour shift. Studies show that 11 out of 10 real men eat fish and/or red meat 3 times a week. A good fillet or a lean burger with a slice of aged cheddar or smear of goat cheese on a whole grain bun should do the trick. The other 4 days get your slow burning carbs from a plate of motherfucking whole grain spaghetti. Whole grain: your BUZZword of the day brought to you by Jerry Seinfeld's "The Bee Movie."
3. Satisfy Your Mid-Day Hunger With Healthy Snacks
You just ran from the U.S. Navy and you're on the lamb. A good sandwich or plate of man-pasta isn't going to keep you full forever. Keeping your desk's snack drawer fully stocked is a must. For best results take 3-5 original Wheat Thins crackers smattered with chunky peanut butter every two hours until your hunger goes away. Be very aware of the possibility of overdosing because that shit's delicious. Feeling groggy? Don't reach for that delicious crack known as Diet Coke.Instead grab a handful of Planter's Energy Mix and a brisk walk around the cubicle farm to get your heart going. Also make sure to stay hydrated with plenty of water and/or Gatorade.
4. Work in Some Office Exercise
Whenever you have a few minutes to spare and catch yourself hopping on the internet, shut that shit down and do one of these lovely exercises taught to you by a guy that trains a famous TV doctor:
These exercises attract the least attention from your coworkers if you wear costumes and make animal noises.
5. Get Sleep
Get home at 4 am and pass out until noon. Cover your windows with things that don't let in any light, so not Venetian blinds. Studies have shown that sleeping during one part of the day makes you less sleepy during the other part of the day.
1. Volunteer for Second Shift
No sane person has ever said, "I have a great idea, let's wake up at 4 am and go for a run." Second shift means you don't leave for work until 2 pm. When normal people wake up at 4, they hit the snooze button, when normal people wake up at noon, they get out of bed and do things. Do some light stretching, have a glass of water, then head on down to the waterfront. Take a few minutes to marvel at the glorious warships and then pretend they've turned their cannons on you and are firing. I don't like to run, but if the U.S. Navy is shooting at me, I run. And running is good for you, a 15-20 jog in the sweltering Virginia heat is the equivalent of running of a marathon in the north (Wikipedia, 2013).
2. Eat Breakfast
Breakfast at 1 pm means eating lunch food as your first meal of the day. I'm all for that. There are plenty of great options to get you energized for your 12 hour shift. Studies show that 11 out of 10 real men eat fish and/or red meat 3 times a week. A good fillet or a lean burger with a slice of aged cheddar or smear of goat cheese on a whole grain bun should do the trick. The other 4 days get your slow burning carbs from a plate of motherfucking whole grain spaghetti. Whole grain: your BUZZword of the day brought to you by Jerry Seinfeld's "The Bee Movie."
3. Satisfy Your Mid-Day Hunger With Healthy Snacks
You just ran from the U.S. Navy and you're on the lamb. A good sandwich or plate of man-pasta isn't going to keep you full forever. Keeping your desk's snack drawer fully stocked is a must. For best results take 3-5 original Wheat Thins crackers smattered with chunky peanut butter every two hours until your hunger goes away. Be very aware of the possibility of overdosing because that shit's delicious. Feeling groggy? Don't reach for that delicious crack known as Diet Coke.Instead grab a handful of Planter's Energy Mix and a brisk walk around the cubicle farm to get your heart going. Also make sure to stay hydrated with plenty of water and/or Gatorade.
4. Work in Some Office Exercise
Whenever you have a few minutes to spare and catch yourself hopping on the internet, shut that shit down and do one of these lovely exercises taught to you by a guy that trains a famous TV doctor:
These exercises attract the least attention from your coworkers if you wear costumes and make animal noises.
5. Get Sleep
Get home at 4 am and pass out until noon. Cover your windows with things that don't let in any light, so not Venetian blinds. Studies have shown that sleeping during one part of the day makes you less sleepy during the other part of the day.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Stanley Cup Playoff Primer
The Stanley Cup Playoffs are right around the corner which can only mean one thing, for the next two months I'm going to act like the biggest hockey fan on earth despite having watched a grand total of two regular season games. For those of you like me who want to sound like you know what you're talking about, this post contains everything you need to know about every Stanley Cup playoff team. They broken up by division and are in order of seeding at time of post, if I'm not too lazy I might come back and update with final seedings and maybe even picks after the regular season concludes on Sunday.
Eastern Conference - Atlantic
Boston Bruins
Boston enters the playoffs as the top rated team in the entire league with 115 points, but we should probably note that because of the soft, everybody-wins-let's-hold-hands-and-sing-kumbaya nature of the sport of hockey many of those points were accrued after what other sports fans might refer to as a loss. The Bruins are three years removed from their sixth Stanley Cup championship and one year removed from a heartbreaking six game loss in the finals to that team from that city in Illinois. The key to Boston making a deep run is getting right wing Nick Johnson going after a regular season in which he put up a plus-minus of -4. Now that his basketball season with the Arizona Wildcats is complete he can focus 100% of his energy toward hockey and I expect to see great improvement. Don't be surprised if you see Boston in the finals once again.
Tampa Bay Lightning
They have hockey in Florida? Apparently. They are known mostly for two things: their puntastic minor league affiliate, the Florida Everblades, and for single handedly keeping their local utility in business with their cooling costs. This franchise does, however, have a rich playoff history having won the Stanley Cup once 11 years ago. Given that 12 teams have never won the Stanley Cup and seven of those teams have existed as long or longer than the Lightning, I'd say that's a pretty impressive feat. Look for top scorer Martin St. Louis (no relation to the city) to lead his team at least to the conference finals. Oh wait, he was traded? Look for the Lightning to fall in the first round.
Montreal Canadiens
The Canadiens (technically not misspelled) are Canada's only entrant into this years playoff race. Fans often refer to this team as the Habs which is short for Habanero Peppers and is representative of their dream to live somewhere significantly warmer. The Peppers have 24 Stanley Cups but their last victory came at the conclusion of the 1992-93 season. That season was notable for being the first year of play for our previous team, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and for being the year that Pepper's top scorer Max Pacioretty was potty trained. Expect the Peppers to disappoint yet again, but not until after they knock off Tampa in round one.
Eastern Conference - Metropolitan
PittsburghSidney Crosbys Penguins
Known mostly to casual hockey fans as the team of Canadian (also not misspelled) superstar Sidney Crosby and to hardcore hockey fans as the team of Canadian superstar Sidney Crosby's soft skull, the Penguins are a perennial playoff contender. After losing goaltender Tomáš Vokoun to a pelvic blood clot for 3 games early in the season, the resilient Penguins rallied to a Metropolitan division championship. I personally would have named it the Neapolitan division but that's just because I could go for some ice cream right now. As long as they tie Craig Adams and Taylor Pyatt (tied for a team worst -15 plus-minus) to chairs in the locker room and don't let them out, Pittsburgh should make another appearance in the conference finals.
New York Rangers
The New York Rangers have 4 Stanley Cups to their name, with their only post-WWII Cup coming in 1994. Not even 3 years of Wayne Gretzky could nab them their fifth title. The current incarnation of the team is known mostly for being the current home of Tampa Bay leading scorer Martin St. Louis and the only member of the Staal family not part of the Carolina Staal's organization. The Rangers are tied with Pittsburgh for the fewest total points (5) accrued from losing efforts but with 9 fewer wins than the Fighting Crosbys, don't count on them making it out of the second round.
Philadelphia Flyers
Not to be confused with the recent national hero Dayton Flyers of the NCAA, the Philadelphia Flyers are the second best NHL team in the state of Pennsylvania. Their two Stanley Cup victories came in back to back years in 1974 and 1975 with the quality of their play taking a significant hit right around the time the nation realized that short shorts look better on women than on men. Don't expect this years team to reverse the short shorts curse as they somehow enter the playoffs as a 3 seed despite one fewer win than wild card team, Columbus (note: this could still change with two days of play left in the regular season). I fully expect this team to be bounced in round one.
Eastern Conference - Wild Cards
Columbus Blue Jackets
The Columbus Blue Jackets are tied with the Minnesota Wild as the NHLs youngest team with their first season of play coming in the 2000-01 season. They get the name Blue Jackets because of Ohio's history having fought for the Union in the War of Northern Aggression and the name Columbus from sharing a city with that college team that puts stickers of pot leaves on their helmets. Despite having existed for less than 14 years, the Blue Jackets have pulled off the impressive feat of posting the same number of Stanley Cup victories as the Flyers in the last 39 years and the Habenero Peppers in the last 21 years. That's right, people born in 1993 can drink now. We're old. The Jackets are headed to a first round date with either Boston or Pittsburgh so look for them to go the way of other Ohio teams like the Bengals and Browns: nowhere.
Detroit Red Wings
The Red Wings, hailing from the City of Decay, are set to make their 23rd straight playoff appearance. The team, looking for their 12th Stanley Cup title, is led by captain Henrik Zetterberg (no relation to Mark Zuckerberg or Zoidberg). The team's logo is a wheel with angel wings which it got when the Chevy Cruze it was attached to suddenly shut itself off and flew off a cliff. Detroit earned more points from losing efforts (15) than any other playoff team which was second in the league only to New Jersey (18). Because of this monstrosity, the hockey gods will smite Detroit en route to a first round exit.
Western Conference - Central
Colorado Avalanche
The Avalanche enter as the second team in our discussion with ties to French Canada, having existed as the Quebec Nordiques until 1994. The franchise didn't win a single Stanley Cup in Quebec, but has won two titles since relocating to Colorado including their initial season in their new home. The Avs enter the playoffs tied with the Blues atop the Central Division after several rebuilding years. By points and record the Avs and Blues are identical, but with only a +31 goal differential to the Blues +60, plan on seeing the Avalanche get buried in round two.
St. Louis (No relation to Tampa Bay leading scorer Martin St. Louis of the NY Rangers) Blues
The St. Louis Blues enter this years playoffs as the oldest team never to have won a title. Given that they've existed since 1967, the Blues seem like a pretty appropriate name. On February 28th the Blues went from team that most people never think of to 'hey, I think I heard they made a trade or something' when they acquired little known goaltender Ryan Miller, brother of Detroit Red Wings superstar winger Drew Miller. With easily the biggest goal differential this side of Boston, don't be surprised if St. Louis can finally stop singing the blues.
That Team With The Offensive Nickname From That One City We Don't Like to Talk About
Just kidding, Chicago! You know I love you almost as much as Rasputin loved vodka and other people's wives. The Blackhawks come in having won five Stanley Cups including two recent cups in 2010 and 2013. They look to become the first repeat champions since Detroit in 97-98. Lead scoring duo Patrick and Patrick have what it takes to continue to make the Hawks the single bright spot in Chicago sports. This team has all the pieces to make a deep run, but I'm biased so I'm calling for a first round exit. #HawkStalk
Western Conference - Pacific
Anaheim Ducks
The Ducks appear as the first of three Western Conference playoff teams with their roots in the frigid wasteland known as Minnesota. The Ducks were founded as a Minnesota peewee team in 1992 when Coach Gordon Bombay was forced to coach a peewee team to finish off a community service sentence after a DUI arrest. After beating their rival, the Hawks, in the championship game the team skipped town and simultaneously made the jump to the pros. Despite their status as a professional team, they continued to compete in several junior level events as shown in the documentaries, D2: The Mighty Ducks and D3: The Mighty Ducks. These Ducks have what it takes to go all the way. At the very least expect a conference finals appearance.
San Jose Sharks
The Sharks are another one of the leagues younger franchises, having been founded in 1991. The hapless Sharks don't even have so much as a Stanley Cup finals appearance, let alone a title to their name. San Jose's rise as a sports town is just beginning, however, as the infusion of young money from Silicon Valley start ups has put the town on the map. Don't be surprised if the city successfully wins the Athletics baseball franchise from Oakland in the near future. Led in scoring by a pair of ordinary Joe's, they would be surprising champions, but that doesn't mean it won't happen for them.
Los Angeles Kings
The Kings join the Sharks and Ducks to round out an all-California Pacific Division playoff bracket. When the Kings were founded in 1967 they borrowed their colors (yellow and purple) from the LA Lakers with whom they shared an arena. Like the Ducks, the Lakers are another team that moved to the LA area from Minnesota. God hates Minnesota. Anyway, the Kings basically sucked for a really, really long time. They thought a change to black and white combined with the addition of Wayne Gretzky might turn things around, but neither of those things helped either. Finally in 2012 the Kings snuck into the playoffs as an 8 seed and proceeded to make one of the most unlikely runs to a Stanley Cup title ever. Could they find that magic again this year? Don't count on it, the Kings suck.
Western Conference - Wild Cards
Minnesota Wild
The Minnesota Wild were formed in 2000 as the NHL equivalent of the Timberwolves in response to the exodus of hockey teams from Minnesota led by the Mighty Ducks and North Stars in 1993. It's quite fitting that their first ever game (a loss) was against the Mighty Ducks. The Wild are making only their fifth ever playoff appearance with only two playoff series victories, both in 2003. They have never made a Stanley Cup finals appearance. There is a reason this team still plays in Minnesota and that reason is that they are awful. Don't expect anything but disappointment from them this time around.
Dallas Stars
The final of our three teams with it's roots in Minnesota, the Dallas Stars were founded in 1967 as the Minnesota North Stars and even served as mentors to the Anaheim Ducks in their peewee days. Taking a cue from the Ducks, the Stars also fled Minnesota in time to play the 1993-94 season in a warmer climate. The move to Dallas proved wise as the franchise grabbed it's only title just a few years later. This team is good, but if they end up with a first round matchup against the Ducks as is currently projected, the students will become the teachers as the Ducks take down their old mentors.
Eastern Conference - Atlantic
Boston Bruins
Boston enters the playoffs as the top rated team in the entire league with 115 points, but we should probably note that because of the soft, everybody-wins-let's-hold-hands-and-sing-kumbaya nature of the sport of hockey many of those points were accrued after what other sports fans might refer to as a loss. The Bruins are three years removed from their sixth Stanley Cup championship and one year removed from a heartbreaking six game loss in the finals to that team from that city in Illinois. The key to Boston making a deep run is getting right wing Nick Johnson going after a regular season in which he put up a plus-minus of -4. Now that his basketball season with the Arizona Wildcats is complete he can focus 100% of his energy toward hockey and I expect to see great improvement. Don't be surprised if you see Boston in the finals once again.
Tampa Bay Lightning
They have hockey in Florida? Apparently. They are known mostly for two things: their puntastic minor league affiliate, the Florida Everblades, and for single handedly keeping their local utility in business with their cooling costs. This franchise does, however, have a rich playoff history having won the Stanley Cup once 11 years ago. Given that 12 teams have never won the Stanley Cup and seven of those teams have existed as long or longer than the Lightning, I'd say that's a pretty impressive feat. Look for top scorer Martin St. Louis (no relation to the city) to lead his team at least to the conference finals. Oh wait, he was traded? Look for the Lightning to fall in the first round.
Montreal Canadiens
The Canadiens (technically not misspelled) are Canada's only entrant into this years playoff race. Fans often refer to this team as the Habs which is short for Habanero Peppers and is representative of their dream to live somewhere significantly warmer. The Peppers have 24 Stanley Cups but their last victory came at the conclusion of the 1992-93 season. That season was notable for being the first year of play for our previous team, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and for being the year that Pepper's top scorer Max Pacioretty was potty trained. Expect the Peppers to disappoint yet again, but not until after they knock off Tampa in round one.
Eastern Conference - Metropolitan
Pittsburgh
Known mostly to casual hockey fans as the team of Canadian (also not misspelled) superstar Sidney Crosby and to hardcore hockey fans as the team of Canadian superstar Sidney Crosby's soft skull, the Penguins are a perennial playoff contender. After losing goaltender Tomáš Vokoun to a pelvic blood clot for 3 games early in the season, the resilient Penguins rallied to a Metropolitan division championship. I personally would have named it the Neapolitan division but that's just because I could go for some ice cream right now. As long as they tie Craig Adams and Taylor Pyatt (tied for a team worst -15 plus-minus) to chairs in the locker room and don't let them out, Pittsburgh should make another appearance in the conference finals.
New York Rangers
The New York Rangers have 4 Stanley Cups to their name, with their only post-WWII Cup coming in 1994. Not even 3 years of Wayne Gretzky could nab them their fifth title. The current incarnation of the team is known mostly for being the current home of Tampa Bay leading scorer Martin St. Louis and the only member of the Staal family not part of the Carolina Staal's organization. The Rangers are tied with Pittsburgh for the fewest total points (5) accrued from losing efforts but with 9 fewer wins than the Fighting Crosbys, don't count on them making it out of the second round.
Philadelphia Flyers
Not to be confused with the recent national hero Dayton Flyers of the NCAA, the Philadelphia Flyers are the second best NHL team in the state of Pennsylvania. Their two Stanley Cup victories came in back to back years in 1974 and 1975 with the quality of their play taking a significant hit right around the time the nation realized that short shorts look better on women than on men. Don't expect this years team to reverse the short shorts curse as they somehow enter the playoffs as a 3 seed despite one fewer win than wild card team, Columbus (note: this could still change with two days of play left in the regular season). I fully expect this team to be bounced in round one.
Eastern Conference - Wild Cards
Columbus Blue Jackets
The Columbus Blue Jackets are tied with the Minnesota Wild as the NHLs youngest team with their first season of play coming in the 2000-01 season. They get the name Blue Jackets because of Ohio's history having fought for the Union in the War of Northern Aggression and the name Columbus from sharing a city with that college team that puts stickers of pot leaves on their helmets. Despite having existed for less than 14 years, the Blue Jackets have pulled off the impressive feat of posting the same number of Stanley Cup victories as the Flyers in the last 39 years and the Habenero Peppers in the last 21 years. That's right, people born in 1993 can drink now. We're old. The Jackets are headed to a first round date with either Boston or Pittsburgh so look for them to go the way of other Ohio teams like the Bengals and Browns: nowhere.
Detroit Red Wings
The Red Wings, hailing from the City of Decay, are set to make their 23rd straight playoff appearance. The team, looking for their 12th Stanley Cup title, is led by captain Henrik Zetterberg (no relation to Mark Zuckerberg or Zoidberg). The team's logo is a wheel with angel wings which it got when the Chevy Cruze it was attached to suddenly shut itself off and flew off a cliff. Detroit earned more points from losing efforts (15) than any other playoff team which was second in the league only to New Jersey (18). Because of this monstrosity, the hockey gods will smite Detroit en route to a first round exit.
Western Conference - Central
Colorado Avalanche
The Avalanche enter as the second team in our discussion with ties to French Canada, having existed as the Quebec Nordiques until 1994. The franchise didn't win a single Stanley Cup in Quebec, but has won two titles since relocating to Colorado including their initial season in their new home. The Avs enter the playoffs tied with the Blues atop the Central Division after several rebuilding years. By points and record the Avs and Blues are identical, but with only a +31 goal differential to the Blues +60, plan on seeing the Avalanche get buried in round two.
St. Louis (No relation to Tampa Bay leading scorer Martin St. Louis of the NY Rangers) Blues
The St. Louis Blues enter this years playoffs as the oldest team never to have won a title. Given that they've existed since 1967, the Blues seem like a pretty appropriate name. On February 28th the Blues went from team that most people never think of to 'hey, I think I heard they made a trade or something' when they acquired little known goaltender Ryan Miller, brother of Detroit Red Wings superstar winger Drew Miller. With easily the biggest goal differential this side of Boston, don't be surprised if St. Louis can finally stop singing the blues.
That Team With The Offensive Nickname From That One City We Don't Like to Talk About
Just kidding, Chicago! You know I love you almost as much as Rasputin loved vodka and other people's wives. The Blackhawks come in having won five Stanley Cups including two recent cups in 2010 and 2013. They look to become the first repeat champions since Detroit in 97-98. Lead scoring duo Patrick and Patrick have what it takes to continue to make the Hawks the single bright spot in Chicago sports. This team has all the pieces to make a deep run, but I'm biased so I'm calling for a first round exit. #HawkStalk
Western Conference - Pacific
Anaheim Ducks
The Ducks appear as the first of three Western Conference playoff teams with their roots in the frigid wasteland known as Minnesota. The Ducks were founded as a Minnesota peewee team in 1992 when Coach Gordon Bombay was forced to coach a peewee team to finish off a community service sentence after a DUI arrest. After beating their rival, the Hawks, in the championship game the team skipped town and simultaneously made the jump to the pros. Despite their status as a professional team, they continued to compete in several junior level events as shown in the documentaries, D2: The Mighty Ducks and D3: The Mighty Ducks. These Ducks have what it takes to go all the way. At the very least expect a conference finals appearance.
San Jose Sharks
The Sharks are another one of the leagues younger franchises, having been founded in 1991. The hapless Sharks don't even have so much as a Stanley Cup finals appearance, let alone a title to their name. San Jose's rise as a sports town is just beginning, however, as the infusion of young money from Silicon Valley start ups has put the town on the map. Don't be surprised if the city successfully wins the Athletics baseball franchise from Oakland in the near future. Led in scoring by a pair of ordinary Joe's, they would be surprising champions, but that doesn't mean it won't happen for them.
Los Angeles Kings
The Kings join the Sharks and Ducks to round out an all-California Pacific Division playoff bracket. When the Kings were founded in 1967 they borrowed their colors (yellow and purple) from the LA Lakers with whom they shared an arena. Like the Ducks, the Lakers are another team that moved to the LA area from Minnesota. God hates Minnesota. Anyway, the Kings basically sucked for a really, really long time. They thought a change to black and white combined with the addition of Wayne Gretzky might turn things around, but neither of those things helped either. Finally in 2012 the Kings snuck into the playoffs as an 8 seed and proceeded to make one of the most unlikely runs to a Stanley Cup title ever. Could they find that magic again this year? Don't count on it, the Kings suck.
Western Conference - Wild Cards
Minnesota Wild
The Minnesota Wild were formed in 2000 as the NHL equivalent of the Timberwolves in response to the exodus of hockey teams from Minnesota led by the Mighty Ducks and North Stars in 1993. It's quite fitting that their first ever game (a loss) was against the Mighty Ducks. The Wild are making only their fifth ever playoff appearance with only two playoff series victories, both in 2003. They have never made a Stanley Cup finals appearance. There is a reason this team still plays in Minnesota and that reason is that they are awful. Don't expect anything but disappointment from them this time around.
Dallas Stars
The final of our three teams with it's roots in Minnesota, the Dallas Stars were founded in 1967 as the Minnesota North Stars and even served as mentors to the Anaheim Ducks in their peewee days. Taking a cue from the Ducks, the Stars also fled Minnesota in time to play the 1993-94 season in a warmer climate. The move to Dallas proved wise as the franchise grabbed it's only title just a few years later. This team is good, but if they end up with a first round matchup against the Ducks as is currently projected, the students will become the teachers as the Ducks take down their old mentors.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Why the Nuclear Power Industry is Destined to Fail, Part I: Introduction
I wanted this to be a great piece detailing all of the challenges nuclear power must overcome if it wants to cut costs without driving away the young employees it will need to operate for the next 40+ years. Unfortunately after two brief introduction paragraphs, as I tried to decide which reason to get into first, I realized that there were just way too many for one post. Not only would most of you probably exit as soon as you saw the length, but I would get bored and the quality would be prohibitively bad for those who did read the entire thing. As a result, I'm just going to introduce the concept here and I'll spread out the reasons for the industry's possible demise over several posts. To keep you entertained and keep my own sanity during our upcoming refueling outage, I'll make sure to mix in plenty of sports and other random posts as usual. And now the intro to my intro is too long and boring. Anyway, here's the intro:
Nuclear power plants have two types of workers: ridiculously old ones and ridiculously young ones. Nothing in between. Why is that? If you ask an industry lobbyist or college of engineering student ambassador they'll tell you that after the Three Mile Island partial meltdown (which may or may not have been caused by Jimmy Carter blowing hot air up the nation's collective ass) the national attitude toward nuclear power combined with drastically scaled back construction of new plants led few to study the field in college and thus there just aren't that many middle aged workers around. They aren't lying, they honestly believe it when they say it, they just haven't been on the front lines to see the real problem. The real problem is that for a variety of reasons the nuclear industry suffers from an extremely high turnover rate.
But wait, you said many of the workers are extremely old, they obviously haven't turned over! You're right, 3 seconds ago Andy. The truth is, for the most part the really old people have been at the same plant their entire adult lives. They have plenty of stories that make the nuclear industry of the 70's seem more like the Wild Wild West. The stories range from setting up basketball courts and playing pick up games inside the plant to contractors who brought attractive women and mattresses on site during outages and ran a little side business. They marvel at how far they've seen the industry come in terms of safety and continuous operation and they lament how the changes have impacted their personal lives. They stay for many reasons. Some just don't like change, some still believe in the old economy where staying with the same company your whole career meant something, and most just realize that no matter how bad the industry gets it still beats retiring and staying home with their wives all day.
After all of my posts are complete, the lesson is really going to be nothing more than a case study in Economics 101. Everything has decreasing marginal returns. After TMI, nuclear employees started giving up some personal freedoms in return for safer and better operations. Since then nuclear employees have never stopped giving up personal freedoms in return for more and more regulation but as time goes on more and more freedom (even during personal time away from work) is being given up while the asymptote for safer and better operation has been reached. TO BE CLEAR: I AM NOT STATING THAT NUCLEAR POWER CAN'T GET SAFER OR OPERATE BETTER. What I am saying is that it can not get any safer by the currently preferred method of trading it with employees personal lives, in fact it can only get safer through radical innovation that would result from a more engaged, more free workforce. The older workers are going to retire sooner rather than later. Giving young employees the tools and freedom they need to succeed is the only way the nuclear industry is going to be able to sustain itself.
Next installment: The impact of emergency response teams and how we can maintain the ability to respond to severe off hours events without killing employees personal lives.
Nuclear power plants have two types of workers: ridiculously old ones and ridiculously young ones. Nothing in between. Why is that? If you ask an industry lobbyist or college of engineering student ambassador they'll tell you that after the Three Mile Island partial meltdown (which may or may not have been caused by Jimmy Carter blowing hot air up the nation's collective ass) the national attitude toward nuclear power combined with drastically scaled back construction of new plants led few to study the field in college and thus there just aren't that many middle aged workers around. They aren't lying, they honestly believe it when they say it, they just haven't been on the front lines to see the real problem. The real problem is that for a variety of reasons the nuclear industry suffers from an extremely high turnover rate.
But wait, you said many of the workers are extremely old, they obviously haven't turned over! You're right, 3 seconds ago Andy. The truth is, for the most part the really old people have been at the same plant their entire adult lives. They have plenty of stories that make the nuclear industry of the 70's seem more like the Wild Wild West. The stories range from setting up basketball courts and playing pick up games inside the plant to contractors who brought attractive women and mattresses on site during outages and ran a little side business. They marvel at how far they've seen the industry come in terms of safety and continuous operation and they lament how the changes have impacted their personal lives. They stay for many reasons. Some just don't like change, some still believe in the old economy where staying with the same company your whole career meant something, and most just realize that no matter how bad the industry gets it still beats retiring and staying home with their wives all day.
After all of my posts are complete, the lesson is really going to be nothing more than a case study in Economics 101. Everything has decreasing marginal returns. After TMI, nuclear employees started giving up some personal freedoms in return for safer and better operations. Since then nuclear employees have never stopped giving up personal freedoms in return for more and more regulation but as time goes on more and more freedom (even during personal time away from work) is being given up while the asymptote for safer and better operation has been reached. TO BE CLEAR: I AM NOT STATING THAT NUCLEAR POWER CAN'T GET SAFER OR OPERATE BETTER. What I am saying is that it can not get any safer by the currently preferred method of trading it with employees personal lives, in fact it can only get safer through radical innovation that would result from a more engaged, more free workforce. The older workers are going to retire sooner rather than later. Giving young employees the tools and freedom they need to succeed is the only way the nuclear industry is going to be able to sustain itself.
Next installment: The impact of emergency response teams and how we can maintain the ability to respond to severe off hours events without killing employees personal lives.
Monday, April 7, 2014
SPECIAL EDITION SUPER NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP SPECTACULAR!!!!!!
It's a matchup of cats and dogs but the only thing that's going to be raining is 3's. UK, led by a couple of cool cats from the same litter in Andrew and Aaron Harrison, enters the contest having finally put together all the pieces after not living up to expectations in the regular season. UCONN has made an improbable run to the finals behind the efforts of Shabazz Napier who will be appearing in his final collegiate game before becoming the second Shabazz in the NBA later this year. Unfortunately for Shabazz and his crew of arctic pups, the Kentucky Wildcats are going to win this matchup and using a set of expert analysis and stats hand picked to support my cause I'll prove it to you. Of course, like any good article, this evidence will be presented in the form of a list accompanied by gifs.
1. The Cats Are Smarter
Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert and a man who I assume has played basketball at some point in his life writes:
"Recently I answered the question of whether my dog (Snickers) or my cat (Zoey) is smarter.
Basketball isn't just about speed, but it certainly is important. Yahoo user Malamute Breeder reports "I don't have any firm numbers on this, but from my experience, I would say that an AVERAGE [Siberian Husky] (not a highly conditioned athlete), would have sprint speeds somewhere around 40-48 kph (25-30 mph)."
(Source: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100717153148AAkkY9R)
The speed of a wildcat wasn't available in less than 4 seconds of googling, so we'll substitute the Cheetah. Cheetah's can run 70 mph or 113 kph.(http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/big-cats/facts/) This is well over twice the speed of huskies. If the Cats want to run up and down the floor and make this a fast paced game, expect them to leave the Huskies in the dust.
3. The Cats Jump Higher
1. The Cats Are Smarter
Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert and a man who I assume has played basketball at some point in his life writes:
"Recently I answered the question of whether my dog (Snickers) or my cat (Zoey) is smarter.
My dog loves treats and is largely bored by the stuff I put in her food bowl. She eats it if she’s hungry enough, but she loves special treats. Now here’s the interesting part: If I take a pellet of food directly from her dish and present it as a special treat, she snarfs it down as if it were the best food in the world. And I can do this with her face literally one foot from a full bowl of food. In front of her eyes I pick up a boring pellet from the bowl and it magically becomes a special treat because it is now in my hand – the place from which all delicious treats originate. I can repeat this trick dozens of times and not once does Snickers think to bypass the hand and eat the big bowl of food that is directly in front of her snout.
Okay, so that’s how smart the dog is.
My cat, Zoey, developed an odd habit some years ago, or so I thought. When I walk anywhere near her food bowl, which generally has food in it, she meows to get my attention and demands to be petted. But when I go to pet her, she starts guiding me toward the bowl until I’m petting her at the same time she’s eating. Yes, she “George Costanzas” me.
George Costanza was a character on the old Seinfeld show. In one well-known episode George tried to combine the thrill of sex with the pleasure of eating a sandwich, doing both at the same time. Zoey has literally trained me to pet her while she eats, thus getting a double-tap of pleasure when most animals would have settled for either one.
Advantage: cat"
2. The Cats Are Faster
Basketball isn't just about speed, but it certainly is important. Yahoo user Malamute Breeder reports "I don't have any firm numbers on this, but from my experience, I would say that an AVERAGE [Siberian Husky] (not a highly conditioned athlete), would have sprint speeds somewhere around 40-48 kph (25-30 mph)."
(Source: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100717153148AAkkY9R)
The speed of a wildcat wasn't available in less than 4 seconds of googling, so we'll substitute the Cheetah. Cheetah's can run 70 mph or 113 kph.(http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/big-cats/facts/) This is well over twice the speed of huskies. If the Cats want to run up and down the floor and make this a fast paced game, expect them to leave the Huskies in the dust.
3. The Cats Jump Higher
Jumping is very important in basketball. If your release point is higher than your opponent can jump then your shots won't be blocked. According to Yahoo user Chrystal M, "I have had two huskies and they have never even tried to climb or jump..." (Source: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080129152029AAtJPzv)
Wildcats can do this:
So there you have it, the Kentucky Wildcats will be crowned national championships in North Texas tonight.
Other sources: My ass
Other sources: My ass
Friday, April 4, 2014
Bold Predictions for the MLB season
Baseball season is upon us and
that can only mean one thing, the talking heads on television will spend the
next six months making sweeping generalizations about the play during each and
every game while telling you that it will change the outcome of the entire
brutally long 162 game season. And they aren’t wrong. In fact, when I made my
following bold predictions by extrapolating the win-loss records of all teams after
three to six games of play, the teams with the best records now eventually went
on to earn the honor of projected division champions. Science doesn’t lie.
Without further ado, my projections for the regular season standings plus
analysis and playoff picks.
AL
East
W
|
L
|
|
Toronto
|
81
|
81
|
Boston
|
81
|
81
|
Tampa
|
81
|
81
|
NYY
|
54
|
108
|
Baltimore
|
41
|
122
|
With a three way tie atop the
division and Major League Baseball failing to build enough time into the
schedule to settle this with a round robin tournament, Toronto advances to the
playoffs because I say so. Led by Jose Bautista’s 81 HRs and Mark Buehrle’s
perfect 41-0 record and 0.00 ERA, the only team yet to flee Canada advances to
the playoffs as a 3 seed despite sitting in a four way tie for the seventh best
record in the league.
AL
Central
W
|
L
|
|
Detroit
|
122
|
0
|
ChiSox
|
108
|
54
|
Cleveland
|
108
|
54
|
Minnesota
|
54
|
108
|
KC
|
0
|
108
|
Detroit makes history by being
the first ever undefeated team in the major leagues helped by not playing a
single road game and having one quarter of their games rained out. The Chicago
White Sox and Cleveland Indians fail to get wild card bids because everybody
hates Chicago and God hates Cleveland. Kansas City finishes at the bottom of
the division with an historically bad winless season. Though they are tied with
Minnesota at 108 losses, the Twins take fourth by virtue of having played an
entire 162 game season.
AL
West
W
|
L
|
|
Seattle
|
122
|
41
|
Texas
|
108
|
54
|
Houston
|
108
|
54
|
Oakland
|
81
|
81
|
LA Angels
|
0
|
162
|
Seattle is the surprise winner from
the West, advancing to the playoffs as a 2 seed. The real news here though is
Houston grabbing its first winning season since 2008 following three straight
seasons of 56 wins or fewer. The voters award both wild card spots to Texas and
Houston mostly because they want to see Houston fans drunkenly burn Arlington
to the ground, including AT&T Field. Former St. Louis hero Albert Pujols
drags down the LA Angels with his second straight poor season as the Angels
beat out the Kansas City Royals for the worst record ever.
NL
East
W
|
L
|
|
Atlanta
|
122
|
41
|
Washington
|
122
|
41
|
Miami
|
122
|
41
|
Philly
|
54
|
108
|
NYM
|
0
|
162
|
Another three way tie atop the
standings but this time there is still hope for all teams involved. Atlanta is
awarded the division because a rare October snow is predicted and we all know
how fun that will be to watch. Washington nabs a wild card slot by
Congressional decree while Miami loses a one game playoff for the final wild
card spot to San Francisco when one of the dancing dolphins in the outfield
turns a would be home run into a ground rule double. The New York Mets finish
tied with the LA Angels for the worst record of all time due mostly to OF
Daniel Murphy missing 108 games while on paternity leave after a Genghis
Kahn-esque offseason love rampage.
NL
Central
W
|
L
|
|
Pittsburgh
|
108
|
54
|
St Louis
|
108
|
54
|
Milwaukee
|
81
|
81
|
Cincy
|
54
|
108
|
ChiCubs
|
54
|
108
|
Pittsburgh tops St Louis because
St Louis wins too much, simple as that. Milwaukee bounces back from a few down
years for an extraordinary .500 record, but surprising staff ace Matt Garza
goes 0-41 despite a sterling 1.13 ERA and 0.38 WHIP. Simply no offense in
Milwaukee. The Chicago Cubs will never go to the playoffs. Ever.
NL
West
W
|
L
|
|
LA Dodgers
|
130
|
32
|
San Fran
|
122
|
41
|
San Diego
|
54
|
108
|
Colorado
|
41
|
122
|
Arizona
|
27
|
135
|
The LA Dodgers dominate this
division despite two time Cy Young award winner Clayton Kershaw missing the
entire season because of a back injury originally only expected to sideline him
a few days. San Francisco grabs the last wild card spot in an otherwise
extremely weak division.
Wild
Card Round
NL: Washington over San Francisco
The Republican led congress
salivates over this opportunity to not only blackmail their hometown team to a
victory, but do so at the expense of that “gay, hippy town from California”
AL: Houston over Texas
Houston fans literally burn
Arlington to the ground using Jerry Jones’ snake oil as an accelerant. The game
is moved to Houston where we find out the shallow left field wall can get taller
or shorter depending on which team is hitting.
Division
Series
NL: LA Dodgers over Washington, Atlanta
over Pittsburgh
After beating AIDS, Congress is
no match for Magic Johnson. Meanwhile, more snow is forecast in Atlanta.
AL: Detroit over Houston, Seattle
over Toronto
Just like Detroit’s cars, their
players cannot be controlled and run down anything in their path. High on life
and other things, Seattle wins after being promised they’ll get paid in pizza.
League
Championship Series
NL: LA Dodgers over Atlanta
LA dodges all of the out of
control southern drivers in the snow to make it to the stadium while Atlanta is
stuck in a ditch.
AL: Detroit over Seattle
When your best player has a .412
batting average and your staff ERA is 1.42 you’ll be hard to beat. It doesn't
hurt that Seattle’s entire team was suspended under the drug policy after
simply breathing in their city’s air.
World
Series
LA Dodgers over Detroit.
What? You thought I was bound by
my own rules of extrapolation? MAGIC JOHNSON LITERALLY BEAT AIDS.
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