Keeping Your Sexy Figure While Working Long, Irregular Hours

This weekend as the clock strikes midnight and Saturday turns to Sunday, Jesus is going to rise from the dead and my power plant is going to open reactor trip breakers marking the official start of our spring refueling outage. What this means for me is 5 weeks working 6 days a week on a base schedule from 3 pm - 1 am with many (if not most) of those shifts actually extending to 3 am. It's high stress work done on a tight schedule and a tighter budget with no room for error. It's really easy to turn to McDonalds for love in support in times like these, but a health nut like me can't tolerate that. I present to you a list of tips for making sure even in the toughest of times you keep turning heads.

1. Volunteer for Second Shift

No sane person has ever said, "I have a great idea, let's wake up at 4 am and go for a run." Second shift means you don't leave for work until 2 pm. When normal people wake up at 4, they hit the snooze button, when normal people wake up at noon, they get out of bed and do things. Do some light stretching, have a glass of water, then head on down to the waterfront. Take a few minutes to marvel at the glorious warships and then pretend they've turned their cannons on you and are firing. I don't like to run, but if the U.S. Navy is shooting at me, I run. And running is good for you, a 15-20 jog in the sweltering Virginia heat is the equivalent of running of a marathon in the north (Wikipedia, 2013).

2. Eat Breakfast

Breakfast at 1 pm means eating lunch food as your first meal of the day. I'm all for that. There are plenty of great options to get you energized for your 12 hour shift. Studies show that 11 out of 10 real men eat fish and/or red meat 3 times a week. A good fillet or a lean burger with a slice of aged cheddar or smear of goat cheese on a whole grain bun should do the trick. The other 4 days get your slow burning carbs from a plate of motherfucking whole grain spaghetti. Whole grain: your BUZZword of the day brought to you by Jerry Seinfeld's "The Bee Movie."

3. Satisfy Your Mid-Day Hunger With Healthy Snacks

You just ran from the U.S. Navy and you're on the lamb. A good sandwich or plate of man-pasta isn't going to keep you full forever. Keeping your desk's snack drawer fully stocked is a must. For best results take 3-5 original Wheat Thins crackers smattered with chunky peanut butter every two hours until your hunger goes away. Be very aware of the possibility of overdosing because that shit's delicious. Feeling groggy? Don't reach for that delicious crack known as Diet Coke.Instead grab a handful of Planter's Energy Mix and a brisk walk around the cubicle farm to get your heart going. Also make sure to stay hydrated with plenty of water and/or Gatorade.

4. Work in Some Office Exercise

Whenever you have a few minutes to spare and catch yourself hopping on the internet, shut that shit down and do one of these lovely exercises taught to you by a guy that trains a famous TV doctor:

These exercises attract the least attention from your coworkers if you wear costumes and make animal noises.

5. Get Sleep

Get home at 4 am and pass out until noon. Cover your windows with things that don't let in any light, so not Venetian blinds. Studies have shown that sleeping during one part of the day makes you less sleepy during the other part of the day.