Baseball season is upon us and
that can only mean one thing, the talking heads on television will spend the
next six months making sweeping generalizations about the play during each and
every game while telling you that it will change the outcome of the entire
brutally long 162 game season. And they aren’t wrong. In fact, when I made my
following bold predictions by extrapolating the win-loss records of all teams after
three to six games of play, the teams with the best records now eventually went
on to earn the honor of projected division champions. Science doesn’t lie.
Without further ado, my projections for the regular season standings plus
analysis and playoff picks.
AL
East
W
|
L
|
|
Toronto
|
81
|
81
|
Boston
|
81
|
81
|
Tampa
|
81
|
81
|
NYY
|
54
|
108
|
Baltimore
|
41
|
122
|
With a three way tie atop the
division and Major League Baseball failing to build enough time into the
schedule to settle this with a round robin tournament, Toronto advances to the
playoffs because I say so. Led by Jose Bautista’s 81 HRs and Mark Buehrle’s
perfect 41-0 record and 0.00 ERA, the only team yet to flee Canada advances to
the playoffs as a 3 seed despite sitting in a four way tie for the seventh best
record in the league.
AL
Central
W
|
L
|
|
Detroit
|
122
|
0
|
ChiSox
|
108
|
54
|
Cleveland
|
108
|
54
|
Minnesota
|
54
|
108
|
KC
|
0
|
108
|
Detroit makes history by being
the first ever undefeated team in the major leagues helped by not playing a
single road game and having one quarter of their games rained out. The Chicago
White Sox and Cleveland Indians fail to get wild card bids because everybody
hates Chicago and God hates Cleveland. Kansas City finishes at the bottom of
the division with an historically bad winless season. Though they are tied with
Minnesota at 108 losses, the Twins take fourth by virtue of having played an
entire 162 game season.
AL
West
W
|
L
|
|
Seattle
|
122
|
41
|
Texas
|
108
|
54
|
Houston
|
108
|
54
|
Oakland
|
81
|
81
|
LA Angels
|
0
|
162
|
Seattle is the surprise winner from
the West, advancing to the playoffs as a 2 seed. The real news here though is
Houston grabbing its first winning season since 2008 following three straight
seasons of 56 wins or fewer. The voters award both wild card spots to Texas and
Houston mostly because they want to see Houston fans drunkenly burn Arlington
to the ground, including AT&T Field. Former St. Louis hero Albert Pujols
drags down the LA Angels with his second straight poor season as the Angels
beat out the Kansas City Royals for the worst record ever.
NL
East
W
|
L
|
|
Atlanta
|
122
|
41
|
Washington
|
122
|
41
|
Miami
|
122
|
41
|
Philly
|
54
|
108
|
NYM
|
0
|
162
|
Another three way tie atop the
standings but this time there is still hope for all teams involved. Atlanta is
awarded the division because a rare October snow is predicted and we all know
how fun that will be to watch. Washington nabs a wild card slot by
Congressional decree while Miami loses a one game playoff for the final wild
card spot to San Francisco when one of the dancing dolphins in the outfield
turns a would be home run into a ground rule double. The New York Mets finish
tied with the LA Angels for the worst record of all time due mostly to OF
Daniel Murphy missing 108 games while on paternity leave after a Genghis
Kahn-esque offseason love rampage.
NL
Central
W
|
L
|
|
Pittsburgh
|
108
|
54
|
St Louis
|
108
|
54
|
Milwaukee
|
81
|
81
|
Cincy
|
54
|
108
|
ChiCubs
|
54
|
108
|
Pittsburgh tops St Louis because
St Louis wins too much, simple as that. Milwaukee bounces back from a few down
years for an extraordinary .500 record, but surprising staff ace Matt Garza
goes 0-41 despite a sterling 1.13 ERA and 0.38 WHIP. Simply no offense in
Milwaukee. The Chicago Cubs will never go to the playoffs. Ever.
NL
West
W
|
L
|
|
LA Dodgers
|
130
|
32
|
San Fran
|
122
|
41
|
San Diego
|
54
|
108
|
Colorado
|
41
|
122
|
Arizona
|
27
|
135
|
The LA Dodgers dominate this
division despite two time Cy Young award winner Clayton Kershaw missing the
entire season because of a back injury originally only expected to sideline him
a few days. San Francisco grabs the last wild card spot in an otherwise
extremely weak division.
Wild
Card Round
NL: Washington over San Francisco
The Republican led congress
salivates over this opportunity to not only blackmail their hometown team to a
victory, but do so at the expense of that “gay, hippy town from California”
AL: Houston over Texas
Houston fans literally burn
Arlington to the ground using Jerry Jones’ snake oil as an accelerant. The game
is moved to Houston where we find out the shallow left field wall can get taller
or shorter depending on which team is hitting.
Division
Series
NL: LA Dodgers over Washington, Atlanta
over Pittsburgh
After beating AIDS, Congress is
no match for Magic Johnson. Meanwhile, more snow is forecast in Atlanta.
AL: Detroit over Houston, Seattle
over Toronto
Just like Detroit’s cars, their
players cannot be controlled and run down anything in their path. High on life
and other things, Seattle wins after being promised they’ll get paid in pizza.
League
Championship Series
NL: LA Dodgers over Atlanta
LA dodges all of the out of
control southern drivers in the snow to make it to the stadium while Atlanta is
stuck in a ditch.
AL: Detroit over Seattle
When your best player has a .412
batting average and your staff ERA is 1.42 you’ll be hard to beat. It doesn't
hurt that Seattle’s entire team was suspended under the drug policy after
simply breathing in their city’s air.
World
Series
LA Dodgers over Detroit.
What? You thought I was bound by
my own rules of extrapolation? MAGIC JOHNSON LITERALLY BEAT AIDS.
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