Stanley Cup Playoff Primer

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are right around the corner which can only mean one thing, for the next two months I'm going to act like the biggest hockey fan on earth despite having watched a grand total of two regular season games. For those of you like me who want to sound like you know what you're talking about, this post contains everything you need to know about every Stanley Cup playoff team. They broken up by division and are in order of seeding at time of post, if I'm not too lazy I might come back and update with final seedings and maybe even picks after the regular season concludes on Sunday.

Eastern Conference - Atlantic

Boston Bruins

Boston enters the playoffs as the top rated team in the entire league with 115 points, but we should probably note that because of the soft, everybody-wins-let's-hold-hands-and-sing-kumbaya nature of the sport of hockey many of those points were accrued after what other sports fans might refer to as a loss. The Bruins are three years removed from their sixth Stanley Cup championship and one year removed from a heartbreaking six game loss in the finals to that team from that city in Illinois. The key to Boston making a deep run is getting right wing Nick Johnson going after a regular season in which he put up a plus-minus of -4. Now that his basketball season with the Arizona Wildcats is complete he can focus 100% of his energy toward hockey and I expect to see great improvement. Don't be surprised if you see Boston in the finals once again.

Tampa Bay Lightning

They have hockey in Florida? Apparently. They are known mostly for two things: their puntastic minor league affiliate, the Florida Everblades, and for single handedly keeping their local utility in business with their cooling costs. This franchise does, however, have a rich playoff history having won the Stanley Cup once 11 years ago. Given that 12 teams have never won the Stanley Cup and seven of those teams have existed as long or longer than the Lightning, I'd say that's a pretty impressive feat. Look for top scorer Martin St. Louis (no relation to the city) to lead his team at least to the conference finals. Oh wait, he was traded? Look for the Lightning to fall in the first round.

Montreal Canadiens

The Canadiens (technically not misspelled) are Canada's only entrant into this years playoff race. Fans often refer to this team as the Habs which is short for Habanero Peppers and is representative of their dream to live somewhere significantly warmer. The Peppers have 24 Stanley Cups but their last victory came at the conclusion of the 1992-93 season. That season was notable for being the first year of play for our previous team, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and for being the year that Pepper's top scorer Max Pacioretty was potty trained. Expect the Peppers to disappoint yet again, but not until after they knock off Tampa in round one.

Eastern Conference - Metropolitan 

Pittsburgh Sidney Crosbys Penguins 

Known mostly to casual hockey fans as the team of Canadian (also not misspelled) superstar Sidney Crosby and to hardcore hockey fans as the team of Canadian superstar Sidney Crosby's soft skull, the Penguins are a perennial playoff contender. After losing goaltender Tomáš Vokoun to a pelvic blood clot for 3 games early in the season, the resilient Penguins rallied to a Metropolitan division championship. I personally would have named it the Neapolitan division but that's just because I could go for some ice cream right now. As long as they tie Craig Adams and Taylor Pyatt (tied for a team worst -15 plus-minus) to chairs in the locker room and don't let them out, Pittsburgh should make another appearance in the conference finals.

New York Rangers

The New York Rangers have 4 Stanley Cups to their name, with their only post-WWII Cup coming in 1994. Not even 3 years of Wayne Gretzky could nab them their fifth title. The current incarnation of the team is known mostly for being the current home of Tampa Bay leading scorer Martin St. Louis and the only member of the Staal family not part of the Carolina Staal's organization. The Rangers are tied with Pittsburgh for the fewest total points (5) accrued from losing efforts but with 9 fewer wins than the Fighting Crosbys, don't count on them making it out of the second round.

Philadelphia Flyers

Not to be confused with the recent national hero Dayton Flyers of the NCAA, the Philadelphia Flyers are the second best NHL team in the state of Pennsylvania. Their two Stanley Cup victories came in back to back years in 1974 and 1975 with the quality of their play taking a significant hit right around the time the nation realized that short shorts look better on women than on men. Don't expect this years team to reverse the short shorts curse as they somehow enter the playoffs as a 3 seed despite one fewer win than wild card team, Columbus (note: this could still change with two days of play left in the regular season). I fully expect this team to be bounced in round one.

Eastern Conference - Wild Cards

Columbus Blue Jackets

The Columbus Blue Jackets are tied with the Minnesota Wild as the NHLs youngest team with their first season of play coming in the 2000-01 season. They get the name Blue Jackets because of Ohio's history having fought for the Union in the War of Northern Aggression and the name Columbus from sharing a city with that college team that puts stickers of pot leaves on their helmets. Despite having existed for less than 14 years, the Blue Jackets have pulled off the impressive feat of posting the same number of Stanley Cup victories as the Flyers in the last 39 years and the Habenero Peppers in the last 21 years. That's right, people born in  1993 can drink now. We're old. The Jackets are headed to a first round date with either Boston or Pittsburgh so look for them to go the way of other Ohio teams like the Bengals and Browns: nowhere.

Detroit Red Wings

The Red Wings, hailing from the City of Decay, are set to make their 23rd straight playoff appearance. The team, looking for their 12th Stanley Cup title, is led by captain Henrik Zetterberg (no relation to Mark Zuckerberg or Zoidberg). The team's logo is a wheel with angel wings which it got when the Chevy Cruze it was attached to suddenly shut itself off and flew off a cliff. Detroit earned more points from losing efforts (15) than any other playoff team which was second in the league only to New Jersey (18). Because of this monstrosity, the hockey gods will smite Detroit en route to a first round exit.

Western Conference - Central

Colorado Avalanche 

The Avalanche enter as the second team in our discussion with ties to French Canada, having existed as the Quebec Nordiques until 1994. The franchise didn't win a single Stanley Cup in Quebec, but has won two titles since relocating to Colorado including their initial season in their new home. The Avs enter the playoffs tied with the Blues atop the Central Division after several rebuilding years. By points and record the Avs and Blues are identical, but with only a +31 goal differential to the Blues +60, plan on seeing the Avalanche get buried in round two.

St. Louis (No relation to Tampa Bay leading scorer Martin St. Louis of the NY Rangers) Blues

The St. Louis Blues enter this years playoffs as the oldest team never to have won a title. Given that they've existed since 1967, the Blues seem like a pretty appropriate name. On February 28th the Blues went from team that most people never think of to 'hey, I think I heard they made a trade or something' when they acquired little known goaltender Ryan Miller, brother of Detroit Red Wings superstar winger Drew Miller. With easily the biggest goal differential this side of Boston, don't be surprised if St. Louis can finally stop singing the blues.

That Team With The Offensive Nickname From That  One City We Don't Like to Talk About

Just kidding, Chicago! You know I love you almost as much as Rasputin loved vodka and other people's wives. The Blackhawks come in having won five Stanley Cups including two recent cups in 2010 and 2013. They look to become the first repeat champions since Detroit in 97-98. Lead scoring duo Patrick and Patrick have what it takes to continue to make the Hawks the single bright spot in Chicago sports. This team has all the pieces to make a deep run, but I'm biased so I'm calling for a first round exit. #HawkStalk

Western Conference - Pacific

Anaheim Ducks

The Ducks appear as the first of three Western Conference playoff teams with their roots in the frigid wasteland known as Minnesota. The Ducks were founded as a Minnesota peewee team in 1992 when Coach Gordon Bombay was forced to coach a peewee team to finish off a community service sentence after a DUI arrest. After beating their rival, the Hawks, in the championship game the team skipped town and simultaneously made the jump to the pros. Despite their status as a professional team, they continued to compete in several junior level events as shown in the documentaries, D2: The Mighty Ducks and D3: The Mighty Ducks. These Ducks have what it takes to go all the way. At the very least expect a conference finals appearance.

San Jose Sharks

The Sharks are another one of the leagues younger franchises, having been founded in 1991. The hapless Sharks don't even have so much as a Stanley Cup finals appearance, let alone a title to their name. San Jose's rise as a sports town is just beginning, however, as the infusion of young money from Silicon Valley start ups has put the town on the map. Don't be surprised if the city successfully wins the Athletics baseball franchise from Oakland in the near future. Led in scoring by a pair of ordinary Joe's, they would be surprising champions, but that doesn't mean it won't happen for them.

Los Angeles Kings

The Kings join the Sharks and Ducks to round out an all-California Pacific Division playoff bracket. When the Kings were founded in 1967 they borrowed their colors (yellow and purple) from the LA Lakers with whom they shared an arena. Like the Ducks, the Lakers are another team that moved to the LA area from Minnesota. God hates Minnesota. Anyway, the Kings basically sucked for a really, really long time. They thought a change to black and white combined with the addition of Wayne Gretzky might turn things around, but neither of those things helped either. Finally in 2012 the Kings snuck into the playoffs as an 8 seed and proceeded to make one of the most unlikely runs to a Stanley Cup title ever. Could they find that magic again this year? Don't count on it, the Kings suck.

Western Conference - Wild Cards

Minnesota Wild

The Minnesota Wild were formed in 2000 as the NHL equivalent of the Timberwolves in response to the exodus of hockey teams from Minnesota led by the Mighty Ducks and North Stars in 1993. It's quite fitting that their first ever game (a loss) was against the Mighty Ducks. The Wild are making only their fifth ever playoff appearance with only two playoff series victories, both in 2003. They have never made a Stanley Cup finals appearance. There is a reason this team still plays in Minnesota and that reason is that they are awful. Don't expect anything but disappointment from them this time around.

Dallas Stars

The final of our three teams with it's roots in Minnesota, the Dallas Stars were founded in 1967 as the Minnesota North Stars and even served as mentors to the Anaheim Ducks in their peewee days. Taking a cue from the Ducks, the Stars also fled Minnesota in time to play the 1993-94 season in a warmer climate. The move to Dallas proved wise as the franchise grabbed it's only title just a few years later. This team is good, but if they end up with a first round matchup against the Ducks as is currently projected, the students will become the teachers as the Ducks take down their old mentors.